Hope

Recently I've been down...way the fuck down. Like can't even remember what it was like to be up. I've been trying to pull out of it in the last week by writing again and thank god for you guys I actually have a private blog where it's really terrible. I'm trying to remember myself as a confident, smart, business woman. I've lost my confidence in myself. I've always kind of considered myself a fraud. Everytime I've ever gotten a job I think, ha! tricked those assholes again! My life now is so different from where I was in high school. Yes I did a lot but, I was never in the top of my class. A slightly lazy student always waiting until the last minute to pull in an average grade. Even in my small town, no big deal and then I got pregnant. On some level I'm sure noone was really surprised...probably assumed in 10 years I'd still be at that Applebees. I remember something changing in me one day and looking at myself. I could stay in my hometown scared to make something of myself or I could just say fuck it and do it. I re-enrolled in school. I went to school during the day and waited tables at night to finish my associates degree and applied to UNC-Wilmington. I received in the mail a rejection. A lesser person might have given up, but, I called bullshit. Called them and found out it was just a problem with some class I had actually taken and got my acceptance for the fall. Yes, Wilmington was only 1 hour from my hometown but, it was a step. A step for someone that was always sheltered but, still had my Daddy's backbone and sheer will to make shit happen. I think I've blogged before about my first day on campus. I was fullfilling my father's dream for me to break out and get a degree. Because yes, I could have had a life carved out of working on my feet and working hard but, this is what he pushed me to do. The first in my family to attend a University. On top of that I'm an accountant. When you say you are an accountant people take a second look. Not everyone can do this job. You HAVE to be smart in a different sort of way. On top of that I am a goddamn excel and systems genuis. I can look at something and the wheels in my head start spinning. I am smart. I have an excellent resume and have made good choices in my career. I will be good again. I don't have my CPA and I've been attending grad school for almost 4 years by the time I graduate in Aug. This doesn't mean I'm not good. This doesn't mean I'm not an asset to a company. Yes other people are better but, guess what that will always be the case. Soon and hopefully very soon, like Wed soon the right company is going to see the potential in me.

As for MC...well...that pathetic writing I told you about? Yeah that has helped. I sat back yesterday and thought...wtf. Hahaha of COURSE he is coming back to me. I am awesome...I love to go out, drink, laugh my ass off and love music. But, on top of that we like to go to the same places, try to out drink each other, laugh at the same weird shit and listen to the same music. I don't even need to go into all of the things I've introduced and he's introduced sexually. We click, we are compatible and he will be back. And if he's not (but, he will...2 hours after I had a revelation he texted me) well seriously, he's the world's biggest idiot. Opportunities like this do not come along everyday...he should know this more than me having way more being single experience. I mean not every girl will laugh at this until she cries: