Things I'm a sucker for

Conversations like this:

Me: glad you are back, did you miss your bed?
MC: no but, I missed you

That's all it takes men. We are really not so hard to please. Most of us don't need some grand gesture...no need to hire a small plane to write our name in the sky. We know by now that life is not a romantic comedy starring Reese Witherspoon. In this age of divorce and cynicism we should know that. I'm not saying I don't believe in love because i do. As much as I would like to just go through life without the messiness of love, it's not going to happen. I want it...I haven't really had it. I mean I loved DB but, more in a I'm stuck with you way, let's make this work the best we can. That. is. sad. We met when I was 17 and I fell for him hard...you know omg I haven't seen you in 4 hours I will literally DDDDIIIIEEE. We were gross together, lol. But, shit got real very quickly. Warning signs I chose to ignore were huge...in fact I broke up with him the month before I got pregnant because he was verbally abusive and would do crazy shit like punch walls when we fought (and that was a lot), this was 1994. He wore me down and we got back together and then I got pregnant and then it was on from there. We broke up again in 1996 when the teenager was just a baby and then again in 1998 when I was in college and then again in 2005 and now for good in 2009. Doesn't that sound like a big ass ball of fun?

So I want to have a good love. I want to have a good man, with integrity first and foremost. That through and through i know is good...not that deep down he's good we just have to dig through layers of fucked-upness to get to it. I'm not saying MC is the love of my life I've been looking for but, he's a good guy. No he's not a banker or some high roller and yes he's proven to be a bit of a flake but, he used to teach 2nd grade and coach kids basketball. He gets uncomfortable when his rich customers make a point of showing him how much of a tip he's received. He had a whole story about it and hid in the back until they left, lol. He's not one for material possessions in that very crunchy real way...not look at me I'm so cool I don't need stuff. So, when I don't hear from him at first I get all crazy girl and think he's blowing me off but, then I remember that I'm a freak and settle down. His phone is just dead because he forgot his charger. This? Is a huge step for me. Trust. Also, I didn't go bang someone else in retribution. I know, I know...super healthy but, this is also a big step for me. I like being in control and knowing I'm not putting my eggs (haha pun) in one basket is how I do that. Fuck you don't call me, I'll have a replacement in 10 minutes. In fact I had 3 different men contact me while MC was out of town and I hadn't heard from him in 2 days. Also, the whole sexual frustration thing...I was very close to going back to old behaviors but, I didn't. 2 of the guys I haven't heard from in 3-4 months, the universe is crazy. 1 I've been keeping in my back pocket as a just in case. He's not there anymore. Because I decided...if MC doesn't feel the same way about me that's fine...I'm not going to take something that has been all around good and make it gross by being a damaged freak. I'm also going to stop thinking about how crazy this is because we live complete different lifestyles and the fact that he's a roamer and will probably move at some point. I am trying to just enjoy this while it lasts. Because dirty boys with a good heart are pretty hard to find I think.