The Other One

So...I'll post another blog all about MC and that drama if you care, lol. Last night I watched My Sister's Keeper. Sometimes books or movies really elicit an emotional response from me. This movie made me think of several things. The obvious of course...when your kids are making you crazy stop and be happy they are healthy. Something else about a father/daughter relationship that I'll get into later maybe and finally the story of finding out I was pregnant for the second time. I can't remember if I've ever shared this. I feel like I've written about the teenager so many times...he always gets the attention being all the life changing surprise that he was. But the story of Stella is just as important.

The background: 2005 and DB and I were separated for the what 3rd time I think? This time stuck a little. He moved out in January...it was a similar story to the current separation. Us pushing through a sad terrible Christmas after I ask him to leave in November and him leaving after New Year's. We stayed apart mostly until November when somehow under the most fucked up circumstances he ended up back in my life and back in my house. I don't really want to go into that story as it's probably one of the darkest times of my life. Let's just say for some reason him doing the worst thing he possibly could to me made me so vulnerable that he got back in. I was in therapy, going to church, and drinking a lot. Like a lot, a lot. Not like now haha. Trying to deal with some serious demons he was evoking. It was eating me alive and when he came back I was at peace again. Everyone in my life was stunned. He had been awful to me...stealing money, barely being able to take care of the teenager among other things. But, I didn't care. I felt whole again. My family was together. I had some thing in my head that I could only be happy that way. I would see families together eating lunch and suddenly tear up and have to leave. I worked so fucking hard to have that. Remember the story of the perfect Myrtle Beach vacation? All four of us all happy in family vacation land and there's DB smoking weed in the bathroom...getting fucked up on mushrooms one night and being sick and unable to go to the aquarium with us the next day...wearing the "I'm studying for my drug test" t-shirt when we were out to lunch together. Nice. I digress...I was happy for umm I think about 3 weeks after that reunion. Then it all became real again. All of his problems and "not his fault" bullshit that always happens to him. To top it all off the girlfriend he left to come back to me was always contacting him and big shocker he was always contacting her right back. By January 2006 I decided to ask him to leave again. I was falling back into my old behaviors too...not good ones. I don't consider myself a cheater. I used to really push the line on the definition of that...anyway.

The teenager starting in November was playing Basketball (getting to the point) on this local league. He was of course annoying at this too but, actually not as terrible as he was at baseball and flag football. ADHD makes playing team sports literally impossible. DB and I really like basketball...we used to watch the NBA all the time together and go to games. So this was really enjoyable...going together to watch him practice and then to games and hot damn they had a pretty good team. They ended up going to the championship game and losing by just like 2 or something. There was this family. This gorgeous family....the dad was hot, the mom was beautiful and they had 4 very good looking boys. The 2 older boys played basketball and the 2nd oldest was on the teenager's team. They also had 2 smaller boys probably 4 and 3 and the older boys were probably 10 and 12. The little boys used to run around and climb the bleachers and just be little boys while their brothers practiced. I used to play with them and help the Mom or Dad keep them occupied because they were so damn cute and reminded me of how in love with my little boy I was at that age. Then one day they weren't there...and they were always there. We found out pretty quickly that Tyler the 4 year old had came down with a bad headache that wouldn't go away so they took him to the dr. I wanna say something insane like 5 days later he was gone. He had a tumor on his brain stem. The day after his funeral there was a game and the whole family was there to watch the older boys play and I marvelled at the strength of that family. I remembered thinking well they can't fall apart they have 3 other kids to love and raise and comfort. That little boys death really affected me. To one day play with him and then the next week's practice he's gone. I swear it wasn't 2 weeks later when I realized my period was late and I took a pregnancy test. The pink double line showing up as soon as the pee hit the stick. Positive. All I could think at the time is that this was supposed to happen...because I never wanted anymore kids but, I always felt bad for the teenager being an only child. What if something happened to us? And at the time...what if something happened to him. Seeing that family at the game...pale but, cheering for their other kids. DB was just as affected...calling me and crying. He can be very sensitive for such a huge prick. For the first few months of the pregnancy we were pretty happy. Feeling like all of the events were signs that we were supposed to be together. Maybe for me anyway because I was just days from asking him to move out when all of this happened. Then I found out I was having a girl and I was so happy. Now, it would all be complete. I was older and could really appreciate this baby and I wanted a girl so badly. I had a good job and my husband was back, and he actually for the first time had a really good job that he worked REALLY hard at...and we would all be a happy 2 kid family. Shortly after she came everything fell apart but, that's a different depressing story. Watching that movie just made me remember that moment sitting in my bathroom with DB and neither one of us really being that upset about that second pink line showing up. With little Tyler's death sitting over our heads reminding us just how precious life is how could we be anything but, happy. It reminded me of that feeling of everything changing and of hope. It made me grieve for that moment...because I wish it could have stayed that way. Us as a team, together, united and happy. It what everyone ultimately wants...someone in their corner and when you have children that is magnified obviously. Hopefully, I'll find someone that can give this to me and my children more than once in a while.

If you are interested here is Tyler's website: http://www.tylerstreehouse.org/

Operation treat him like shit until he loves me: success

Could my love life be more dramatic? Seriously, I'm not even supposed to HAVE a love life. I'm supposed to be all light and free and finding myself and shit. Yes I know it's been over a year since the separation but, can a girl really figure shit out in 15 months after being in a 15 year relationship? I don't really think so. But, (and I know I'm not supposed to start a sentence with "but" this is my blog so shut up) I do think this is part of the learning process. Having not really dated at all before I met my ex at 17 makes for some pretty hilarious stories. I should post some from my old blog, jaysus. So that's why I'm cautious to say out loud that I love MC. Do I know what love is? I was with someone for 15 years people that I pretty much couldn't stand. I know I loved him on some level but, clearly my definition of love is fucked up. Cause that shit was dysfunctional as hell. He treated me like trash...anyway, not another bitter post about that. Do I really love MC or am I just reacting to the panic he invokes because I know he is leaving. It's kind of hard to say. The last few weeks I've been getting more and more irritated with myself. My friends are sick and goddamn tired of hearing me obsessively talk about him. I hear myself sounding like a wackjob analyzing his every move, playing game after game of not texting him back for so many minutes, Ignoring him when we go out in a group, even making fun of him in a mean way in front of his friends. I'm sick of being some weak "give me attention whenever you feel like it and I'll be here" girl. And guess what, turns out everyone was right. Guys eat that shit up like candy. I wasn't really doing it on purpose...I didn't really think he had any kind of real feelings for me, I was doing it for me because like I said, sick of feeling like I had no control. I loathe the game playing but, seems it's a necessary evil since men are emotionally stupid.

So last week after two days of him acting like a complete cold and distant weirdo one minute and all up my shit the next I decided, I'm done. I called him out on his behavior several times and he wouldn't say what was wrong. I just assumed he was sick of me or he had found a new girl. As much as both of those thoughts made me want to puke, I had to know so I tried one more time to get him to talk and he did. Instead of getting the "let's just be friends" talk, he told me how he has feelings for me and the fact that he's moving plus this attachment is freaking him out. Hello, welcome to the game dumbass. Also, he thought I wasn't into him as much lately and that it bothers him how much I've been going out with my new friends and how easy it will be for me to find a replacement. Oh, how I loved hearing these words. Seems the only way to illicit an emotional response is jealousy. Still, hilarious that I was pulling away and he was pulling away for the same reason but, both feel the opposite. Monday night he actually said no to sex, which has never happened...one I had to ask and two he said no. I was super hurt and pissed off...we were laying there falling asleep and I could have sworn I heard him whisper, I love you. But, I thought I was just being a crazy person...now I'm not so sure...

The twist...I now want to see him even more than before...like my heart hurts. He is not so sure that's a good idea even though he wants to see me. Like I've already been through, do we continue to get closer or break it off now. He will probably be here through the end of April now due to spraining his ankle and missing some work. We are going to talk face to face Sunday and I'm nervous. It would so be my luck for us to be on the same page but, him want to end things so there are no messy complications. Deep down, I don't really think he's going to do that. He's pretty mature when it comes to breaking down things when we have a disagreement or I'm acting like a nutty female but, deep down he's a romantic. I mean he's an artist and his favorite band is the White Strips...every single song is about love, hello. I just feel like this is some stupid movie where we get 3-4 weeks to enjoy each other fully before it's taken away forever and then he'll be that guy that I always wonder about. It really doesn't help that a friend of mine that was supposed to move at the end of this month is now staying because he met someone 3 weeks ago and now is "in a relationship" on facebook. Sigh...

Beds, couches and chairs

Big news! MC got a real bed. So yeah this? Is fucking hilarious. Let's go over the list of shit I have NOT put up with first. So...sleepovers, not really my thing. My most favorite part of separating was getting the bed to myself. Every now and again I would have a stab of lonliness because I will say when DB actually came to bed with me (kind of rare) he would rub my back until I fell asleep. That's my favorite besides playing with my hair. I'm like a cat, rub me, give me affection and I will freeze. Most times when he would rub me I wouldn't even fall asleep until he stopped, haha. Ok, I think I've said "rub me" enough for a slew of perverts to find my blog. Sleeping...yeah not a fan of sharing my bed. I sleep with 2 king size pillows on either side of me to fill up the ginormous king size bed I have and I love spooning those two pillows. Plus, it's quiet...no snoring, no moving around or being hit with a stray arm. So, in the past I rarely stayed over with anyone...short term or long term friend with benefits or even someone I'm dating. Men, kind of hate that. I found it surprising how many men want to spoon and be all cuddly. Being cuddly, is so NOT my thing. DB and I did not spoon...it was more like get. off. me. now. But, I do so love morning sex and that is hard to get if you don't stay the night. I have gotten up and snuck out many a nights at 2 or 3 or even 4 in the morning. One guy snored so loud sleeping was impossible and also made him less attractive, not good for the sex part of our relationship. One had a futon, that was terrible and his stupid dog slept in the room. Nothing says, go ahead and have an orgasm like, shhhh Lexi sit down! Another guy had a fucking waterbed. Yes people a waterbed...I slept in it once and no make that twice, I passed out in it once and puked down the side because imagine the spins on a waterbed...go ahead, I'll wait. So to me it's extra comical that I've spent countless nights with MC, spooning on an air mattress. One that we pretty much broke somewhere around week 3 and frequently wake up on the ground. And, I don't mean spooning for a minute and then sleeping on our respective sides, I mean all night. Don't tell anyone but, I love it. Love the feeling of at any time waking up and feeling him holding me...of being able to reach over and even in partial sleep he will hold my hand. Also? The morning sex helps make it totally worth it to be made fun of constantly by my friends. Yes, I know I am 34 years old sleeping like a homeless person...then I show them a picture and tell them a story and they shut the fuck up and give me a high five.

Prepare for angst in April

So seems things are back on with MC. We ended up meeting for a drink Monday night because I was just sick of waiting and sick of worrying if things were going to be so uncomfortable and awkward between us. So I asked him to meet me and he did. Everything was fine...there were a couple of silent moments but, for the most part all was like it was. A lot of laughing and talking and drinking and smoking. He invited me back to his place for some wine he had gotten from work and I of course went. Before meeting him out I was with some girls having a few beers and they were taunting me. Saying I was so getting some ass that night, and I was completely serious when I said no! Sex was not on the table for the night. I had made it clear that I couldn't stay the night with him or stay late. Too bad after 6 beers I didn't really care about no sleep. They each bet me a dollar that I would get laid...turns out they know me pretty well and I'm $2 dollars poorer.

I can't seem to care how bad this is going to hurt in April after he moves. All I know is if he's here and he wants to see me I will. I don't give a shit that he knows he has me completely wrapped around his finger. I wonder if he wasn't moving if I would be so pathetic, probably not. I would try to even things out a little but, knowing that he's going to be gone and so soon all the rules don't apply. It's like when I'm with him I'm trying to memorize everything. The way he looks when he laughs, the way he touches me, the sound of his voice. It's fucking crazy...I have it bad and right now I'm OK with it. Now, if I could just get a job to avoid being evicted shit would be good for me.

30/60/90

Here's what I'm deciding. MC and I are supposed to get together tomorrow night. I feel like there is a 75% chance that he's going to bail. He's a twitchy mother fucker. We haven't seen each other in 3 weeks but, we have been texting some. Stupid goddamn game of back and forth. Very friendly and all chit chatty about nothing and then sometimes familiar and intimate. I'm not sure what he wants or even what I want. I know what I should do and I know how I should act but, I don't seem to be capable. I know I'm not going to get over him this way and a part of me is hoping after tomorrow I'll feel better. If I see him and we spend time together and it feels the same or it doesn't and I will just have to accept that. Or he won't come at all and I will move on. So I've decided to make a pact with myself. No men at all for a while. Hey sounds familiar right? Well this will be no men, no sex. I have kept my free time filled with well, fillers. Keeping 3, 4, 5 men in rotation at a time so I always have something to do...and so I don't have the chance to get close to anyone. Because I know I'm still not ready or maybe I am so I latch onto people that are moving for example. Maybe I really do like him so much because there is zero chance we can have a relationship. Who the hell knows. I also seem to be in my sexual prime which is annoying as shit. I think I have too much testosterone or something. Some days I can't think of anything else and it's super distracting. It's been 3 weeks and I've turned down random sex no less than 6 times. I know it won't make me feel better though it's super tempting. Well, it's actually not that tempting at all. I only want one person...still. I thought by now I'd be laughing at myself for acting like a complete 13 year old. Not so much. So we will see...tomorrow starts 60 or 90 days of no penis or 60 days of happiness until he moves. Probably should do 90 days "sober" since it's already been 21 days. Also, Valentine's Day can go fuck itself.

Some honest shit right here

Most days I hate being a Mom. I didn't used to be this way but, all this fucking time home and all this time with these children is not how I'm built. So I used to miss the toddler when she was gone and I do have mostly good days with her, especially since we potty trained finally this weekend. It was like holy shit there is something with a result like I wanted AND I can cross it off my resolution list. It's amazing how much more I like being around her since she's giving me something back besides shrieking and screaming and tantrums. I know she's 3 and it's normal. I'd rather be a stay at home mom to an infant, it's easier I swear. What is sad is the teenager. He's 14 and I can't. stand. him. I just want him to graduate and move the fuck out already. Or, say all dramatically, I'm living with Dad from now on. BYE!! Let me pack for you. Some of you know from my previous blog that M is an asshole. It's been a fight since he was born for me to like him. Somewhere around 2 or 3 I stopped liking him. I love him and have never stopped fighting for him but, I don't like him. Not only did I have the hurdle of being a mom at a young age but, I got this behavior challenged kid. One who would try the mental capacities of a mid 30 year old. ADHD to the fucking max, with a mouth that never shuts the fuck up or takes accountability for his actions. So many phone calls from the school. Now, I don't even answer half the time. What's the point? He's in the 8th grade, this is never changing ever. And trust me I've tried everything there is to try. Every kind of medication, reward charts, discipline, neurologists, psychiatrists, therapists. EVERYTHING. He is in a special program at school for bad ass kids. Basically, if he tries to run away he can be physically restrained. And they can't call me for every little infraction. Which has been a welcome change the last 3 years. He's only suspended for things that are really bad, fighting and what not. I mean I still can't believe DB introduced his gf to him. I will not. It's too embarrassing to even imagine. Especially after some of the stuff I've heard M has said to the gf. So if any man is ever worried I'm looking for a second father, don't worry. I wouldn't even try to go there. 4.5 years to go and I'm sure it's not gonna get better with the high school years coming up. Hopefully, this will be one of those stories that turns out well. We all know someone that was an absolute black mark on society when they were children that turned out well. Haha my poor mother, I put her through hell and now look at me! At the very least I hope he doesn't knock anyone up too young.

January can always suck it

January should just be removed from the calender. I like how I just bought a calender yesterday ($4, woo!) and started it on February. I HATE January, I always have. Every single time I separated from DB it was in January. He hates January too because I've ruined many a Superbowl for him, haha. I don't know what it is that spins me into a dark depression every year in the first month of the year but, it happens every single time. So now it's February 2nd and I have an interview today. I had a phone interview last week and then the call came a couple days later for the face to face interview. I didn't even care. This particular company I've interviewed with twice already for 2 different jobs and got rejections. Along with all of the other rejections I've received since June and the general depression and negativity I've been putting out in the world, who fucking cares that I have an interview. But, here's the thing. I do care. Yes, it's been almost 8 months and I can barely remember what it's like to get up and use my brain for 8-9 hours but, that's who I am. The core of my being comes from getting through and graduating college. For some it's not that big of a deal but, you guys should know by now for me it was huge. It was my greatest accomplishment in life and probably always will be. If you have children you understand how hard it would be to take a full school load, work, raise a baby and also let's not forget I was a child myself. Trying to make something happen by sheer fucking will because DB certainly wasn't doing anything to help. I've said before that my identity comes from my career and that's true. Everyone's different...this is how I add value to myself because this is what I worked so hard for. This life, that I can look at and say yes, I am accomplished. My kids are fed and clothed and we live in a decent house and I am a provider. Maybe I have more testosterone in my system than most? Probably why I'm the only female I know that can have just a sexual relationship with someone and not get attached (ahem, most times, I'm not super human). So today matters and if I don't treat it like it does then what's the point. I can look at today as life changing because it is. It's not just one more failure to add to my list, it could be the success I've been looking for. And if I don't treat it like that then they will smell the lack of confidence and the lack of caring in the parking lot. So now I go and write down every kick ass accomplishment I've ever had to prepare. I'm ready, I didn't drink at all last night and probably slept 10 hours. I've cleared all the MC crazy from my mind and have one focus and one focus only...sell myself and get this fucking job.