Fiction is the truth inside the lie.

The Other One

2010-06-27T08:37:00.004-04:00

So...I'll post another blog all about MC and that drama if you care, lol. Last night I watched My Sister's Keeper. Sometimes books or movies really elicit an emotional response from me. This movie made me think of several things. The obvious of course...when your kids are making you crazy stop and be happy they are healthy. Something else about a father/daughter relationship that I'll get into later maybe and finally the story of finding out I was pregnant for the second time. I can't remember if I've ever shared this. I feel like I've written about the teenager so many times...he always gets the attention being all the life changing surprise that he was. But the story of Stella is just as important.

The background: 2005 and DB and I were separated for the what 3rd time I think? This time stuck a little. He moved out in January...it was a similar story to the current separation. Us pushing through a sad terrible Christmas after I ask him to leave in November and him leaving after New Year's. We stayed apart mostly until November when somehow under the most fucked up circumstances he ended up back in my life and back in my house. I don't really want to go into that story as it's probably one of the darkest times of my life. Let's just say for some reason him doing the worst thing he possibly could to me made me so vulnerable that he got back in. I was in therapy, going to church, and drinking a lot. Like a lot, a lot. Not like now haha. Trying to deal with some serious demons he was evoking. It was eating me alive and when he came back I was at peace again. Everyone in my life was stunned. He had been awful to me...stealing money, barely being able to take care of the teenager among other things. But, I didn't care. I felt whole again. My family was together. I had some thing in my head that I could only be happy that way. I would see families together eating lunch and suddenly tear up and have to leave. I worked so fucking hard to have that. Remember the story of the perfect Myrtle Beach vacation? All four of us all happy in family vacation land and there's DB smoking weed in the bathroom...getting fucked up on mushrooms one night and being sick and unable to go to the aquarium with us the next day...wearing the "I'm studying for my drug test" t-shirt when we were out to lunch together. Nice. I digress...I was happy for umm I think about 3 weeks after that reunion. Then it all became real again. All of his problems and "not his fault" bullshit that always happens to him. To top it all off the girlfriend he left to come back to me was always contacting him and big shocker he was always contacting her right back. By January 2006 I decided to ask him to leave again. I was falling back into my old behaviors too...not good ones. I don't consider myself a cheater. I used to really push the line on the definition of that...anyway.

The teenager starting in November was playing Basketball (getting to the point) on this local league. He was of course annoying at this too but, actually not as terrible as he was at baseball and flag football. ADHD makes playing team sports literally impossible. DB and I really like basketball...we used to watch the NBA all the time together and go to games. So this was really enjoyable...going together to watch him practice and then to games and hot damn they had a pretty good team. They ended up going to the championship game and losing by just like 2 or something. There was this family. This gorgeous family....the dad was hot, the mom was beautiful and they had 4 very good looking boys. The 2 older boys played basketball and the 2nd oldest was on the teenager's team. They also had 2 smaller boys probably 4 and 3 and the older boys were probably 10 and 12. The little boys used to run around and climb the bleachers and just be little boys while their brothers practiced. I used to play with them and help the Mom or Dad keep them occupied because they were so damn cute and reminded me of how in love with my little boy I was at that age. Then one day they weren't there...and they were always there. We found out pretty quickly that Tyler the 4 year old had came down with a bad headache that wouldn't go away so they took him to the dr. I wanna say something insane like 5 days later he was gone. He had a tumor on his brain stem. The day after his funeral there was a game and the whole family was there to watch the older boys play and I marvelled at the strength of that family. I remembered thinking well they can't fall apart they have 3 other kids to love and raise and comfort. That little boys death really affected me. To one day play with him and then the next week's practice he's gone. I swear it wasn't 2 weeks later when I realized my period was late and I took a pregnancy test. The pink double line showing up as soon as the pee hit the stick. Positive. All I could think at the time is that this was supposed to happen...because I never wanted anymore kids but, I always felt bad for the teenager being an only child. What if something happened to us? And at the time...what if something happened to him. Seeing that family at the game...pale but, cheering for their other kids. DB was just as affected...calling me and crying. He can be very sensitive for such a huge prick. For the first few months of the pregnancy we were pretty happy. Feeling like all of the events were signs that we were supposed to be together. Maybe for me anyway because I was just days from asking him to move out when all of this happened. Then I found out I was having a girl and I was so happy. Now, it would all be complete. I was older and could really appreciate this baby and I wanted a girl so badly. I had a good job and my husband was back, and he actually for the first time had a really good job that he worked REALLY hard at...and we would all be a happy 2 kid family. Shortly after she came everything fell apart but, that's a different depressing story. Watching that movie just made me remember that moment sitting in my bathroom with DB and neither one of us really being that upset about that second pink line showing up. With little Tyler's death sitting over our heads reminding us just how precious life is how could we be anything but, happy. It reminded me of that feeling of everything changing and of hope. It made me grieve for that moment...because I wish it could have stayed that way. Us as a team, together, united and happy. It what everyone ultimately wants...someone in their corner and when you have children that is magnified obviously. Hopefully, I'll find someone that can give this to me and my children more than once in a while.

If you are interested here is Tyler's website: http://www.tylerstreehouse.org/

Operation treat him like shit until he loves me: success

2010-03-20T08:21:00.003-04:00

Could my love life be more dramatic? Seriously, I'm not even supposed to HAVE a love life. I'm supposed to be all light and free and finding myself and shit. Yes I know it's been over a year since the separation but, can a girl really figure shit out in 15 months after being in a 15 year relationship? I don't really think so. But, (and I know I'm not supposed to start a sentence with "but" this is my blog so shut up) I do think this is part of the learning process. Having not really dated at all before I met my ex at 17 makes for some pretty hilarious stories. I should post some from my old blog, jaysus. So that's why I'm cautious to say out loud that I love MC. Do I know what love is? I was with someone for 15 years people that I pretty much couldn't stand. I know I loved him on some level but, clearly my definition of love is fucked up. Cause that shit was dysfunctional as hell. He treated me like trash...anyway, not another bitter post about that. Do I really love MC or am I just reacting to the panic he invokes because I know he is leaving. It's kind of hard to say. The last few weeks I've been getting more and more irritated with myself. My friends are sick and goddamn tired of hearing me obsessively talk about him. I hear myself sounding like a wackjob analyzing his every move, playing game after game of not texting him back for so many minutes, Ignoring him when we go out in a group, even making fun of him in a mean way in front of his friends. I'm sick of being some weak "give me attention whenever you feel like it and I'll be here" girl. And guess what, turns out everyone was right. Guys eat that shit up like candy. I wasn't really doing it on purpose...I didn't really think he had any kind of real feelings for me, I was doing it for me because like I said, sick of feeling like I had no control. I loathe the game playing but, seems it's a necessary evil since men are emotionally stupid.

So last week after two days of him acting like a complete cold and distant weirdo one minute and all up my shit the next I decided, I'm done. I called him out on his behavior several times and he wouldn't say what was wrong. I just assumed he was sick of me or he had found a new girl. As much as both of those thoughts made me want to puke, I had to know so I tried one more time to get him to talk and he did. Instead of getting the "let's just be friends" talk, he told me how he has feelings for me and the fact that he's moving plus this attachment is freaking him out. Hello, welcome to the game dumbass. Also, he thought I wasn't into him as much lately and that it bothers him how much I've been going out with my new friends and how easy it will be for me to find a replacement. Oh, how I loved hearing these words. Seems the only way to illicit an emotional response is jealousy. Still, hilarious that I was pulling away and he was pulling away for the same reason but, both feel the opposite. Monday night he actually said no to sex, which has never happened...one I had to ask and two he said no. I was super hurt and pissed off...we were laying there falling asleep and I could have sworn I heard him whisper, I love you. But, I thought I was just being a crazy person...now I'm not so sure...

The twist...I now want to see him even more than before...like my heart hurts. He is not so sure that's a good idea even though he wants to see me. Like I've already been through, do we continue to get closer or break it off now. He will probably be here through the end of April now due to spraining his ankle and missing some work. We are going to talk face to face Sunday and I'm nervous. It would so be my luck for us to be on the same page but, him want to end things so there are no messy complications. Deep down, I don't really think he's going to do that. He's pretty mature when it comes to breaking down things when we have a disagreement or I'm acting like a nutty female but, deep down he's a romantic. I mean he's an artist and his favorite band is the White Strips...every single song is about love, hello. I just feel like this is some stupid movie where we get 3-4 weeks to enjoy each other fully before it's taken away forever and then he'll be that guy that I always wonder about. It really doesn't help that a friend of mine that was supposed to move at the end of this month is now staying because he met someone 3 weeks ago and now is "in a relationship" on facebook. Sigh...

Beds, couches and chairs

2010-02-20T08:44:00.002-05:00

Big news! MC got a real bed. So yeah this? Is fucking hilarious. Let's go over the list of shit I have NOT put up with first. So...sleepovers, not really my thing. My most favorite part of separating was getting the bed to myself. Every now and again I would have a stab of lonliness because I will say when DB actually came to bed with me (kind of rare) he would rub my back until I fell asleep. That's my favorite besides playing with my hair. I'm like a cat, rub me, give me affection and I will freeze. Most times when he would rub me I wouldn't even fall asleep until he stopped, haha. Ok, I think I've said "rub me" enough for a slew of perverts to find my blog. Sleeping...yeah not a fan of sharing my bed. I sleep with 2 king size pillows on either side of me to fill up the ginormous king size bed I have and I love spooning those two pillows. Plus, it's quiet...no snoring, no moving around or being hit with a stray arm. So, in the past I rarely stayed over with anyone...short term or long term friend with benefits or even someone I'm dating. Men, kind of hate that. I found it surprising how many men want to spoon and be all cuddly. Being cuddly, is so NOT my thing. DB and I did not spoon...it was more like get. off. me. now. But, I do so love morning sex and that is hard to get if you don't stay the night. I have gotten up and snuck out many a nights at 2 or 3 or even 4 in the morning. One guy snored so loud sleeping was impossible and also made him less attractive, not good for the sex part of our relationship. One had a futon, that was terrible and his stupid dog slept in the room. Nothing says, go ahead and have an orgasm like, shhhh Lexi sit down! Another guy had a fucking waterbed. Yes people a waterbed...I slept in it once and no make that twice, I passed out in it once and puked down the side because imagine the spins on a waterbed...go ahead, I'll wait. So to me it's extra comical that I've spent countless nights with MC, spooning on an air mattress. One that we pretty much broke somewhere around week 3 and frequently wake up on the ground. And, I don't mean spooning for a minute and then sleeping on our respective sides, I mean all night. Don't tell anyone but, I love it. Love the feeling of at any time waking up and feeling him holding me...of being able to reach over and even in partial sleep he will hold my hand. Also? The morning sex helps make it totally worth it to be made fun of constantly by my friends. Yes, I know I am 34 years old sleeping like a homeless person...then I show them a picture and tell them a story and they shut the fuck up and give me a high five.

Prepare for angst in April

2010-02-13T10:10:00.003-05:00

So seems things are back on with MC. We ended up meeting for a drink Monday night because I was just sick of waiting and sick of worrying if things were going to be so uncomfortable and awkward between us. So I asked him to meet me and he did. Everything was fine...there were a couple of silent moments but, for the most part all was like it was. A lot of laughing and talking and drinking and smoking. He invited me back to his place for some wine he had gotten from work and I of course went. Before meeting him out I was with some girls having a few beers and they were taunting me. Saying I was so getting some ass that night, and I was completely serious when I said no! Sex was not on the table for the night. I had made it clear that I couldn't stay the night with him or stay late. Too bad after 6 beers I didn't really care about no sleep. They each bet me a dollar that I would get laid...turns out they know me pretty well and I'm $2 dollars poorer.

I can't seem to care how bad this is going to hurt in April after he moves. All I know is if he's here and he wants to see me I will. I don't give a shit that he knows he has me completely wrapped around his finger. I wonder if he wasn't moving if I would be so pathetic, probably not. I would try to even things out a little but, knowing that he's going to be gone and so soon all the rules don't apply. It's like when I'm with him I'm trying to memorize everything. The way he looks when he laughs, the way he touches me, the sound of his voice. It's fucking crazy...I have it bad and right now I'm OK with it. Now, if I could just get a job to avoid being evicted shit would be good for me.

30/60/90

2010-02-08T11:27:00.002-05:00

Here's what I'm deciding. MC and I are supposed to get together tomorrow night. I feel like there is a 75% chance that he's going to bail. He's a twitchy mother fucker. We haven't seen each other in 3 weeks but, we have been texting some. Stupid goddamn game of back and forth. Very friendly and all chit chatty about nothing and then sometimes familiar and intimate. I'm not sure what he wants or even what I want. I know what I should do and I know how I should act but, I don't seem to be capable. I know I'm not going to get over him this way and a part of me is hoping after tomorrow I'll feel better. If I see him and we spend time together and it feels the same or it doesn't and I will just have to accept that. Or he won't come at all and I will move on. So I've decided to make a pact with myself. No men at all for a while. Hey sounds familiar right? Well this will be no men, no sex. I have kept my free time filled with well, fillers. Keeping 3, 4, 5 men in rotation at a time so I always have something to do...and so I don't have the chance to get close to anyone. Because I know I'm still not ready or maybe I am so I latch onto people that are moving for example. Maybe I really do like him so much because there is zero chance we can have a relationship. Who the hell knows. I also seem to be in my sexual prime which is annoying as shit. I think I have too much testosterone or something. Some days I can't think of anything else and it's super distracting. It's been 3 weeks and I've turned down random sex no less than 6 times. I know it won't make me feel better though it's super tempting. Well, it's actually not that tempting at all. I only want one person...still. I thought by now I'd be laughing at myself for acting like a complete 13 year old. Not so much. So we will see...tomorrow starts 60 or 90 days of no penis or 60 days of happiness until he moves. Probably should do 90 days "sober" since it's already been 21 days. Also, Valentine's Day can go fuck itself.

Some honest shit right here

2010-02-05T09:59:00.003-05:00

Most days I hate being a Mom. I didn't used to be this way but, all this fucking time home and all this time with these children is not how I'm built. So I used to miss the toddler when she was gone and I do have mostly good days with her, especially since we potty trained finally this weekend. It was like holy shit there is something with a result like I wanted AND I can cross it off my resolution list. It's amazing how much more I like being around her since she's giving me something back besides shrieking and screaming and tantrums. I know she's 3 and it's normal. I'd rather be a stay at home mom to an infant, it's easier I swear. What is sad is the teenager. He's 14 and I can't. stand. him. I just want him to graduate and move the fuck out already. Or, say all dramatically, I'm living with Dad from now on. BYE!! Let me pack for you. Some of you know from my previous blog that M is an asshole. It's been a fight since he was born for me to like him. Somewhere around 2 or 3 I stopped liking him. I love him and have never stopped fighting for him but, I don't like him. Not only did I have the hurdle of being a mom at a young age but, I got this behavior challenged kid. One who would try the mental capacities of a mid 30 year old. ADHD to the fucking max, with a mouth that never shuts the fuck up or takes accountability for his actions. So many phone calls from the school. Now, I don't even answer half the time. What's the point? He's in the 8th grade, this is never changing ever. And trust me I've tried everything there is to try. Every kind of medication, reward charts, discipline, neurologists, psychiatrists, therapists. EVERYTHING. He is in a special program at school for bad ass kids. Basically, if he tries to run away he can be physically restrained. And they can't call me for every little infraction. Which has been a welcome change the last 3 years. He's only suspended for things that are really bad, fighting and what not. I mean I still can't believe DB introduced his gf to him. I will not. It's too embarrassing to even imagine. Especially after some of the stuff I've heard M has said to the gf. So if any man is ever worried I'm looking for a second father, don't worry. I wouldn't even try to go there. 4.5 years to go and I'm sure it's not gonna get better with the high school years coming up. Hopefully, this will be one of those stories that turns out well. We all know someone that was an absolute black mark on society when they were children that turned out well. Haha my poor mother, I put her through hell and now look at me! At the very least I hope he doesn't knock anyone up too young.

January can always suck it

2010-02-03T09:01:00.003-05:00

January should just be removed from the calender. I like how I just bought a calender yesterday ($4, woo!) and started it on February. I HATE January, I always have. Every single time I separated from DB it was in January. He hates January too because I've ruined many a Superbowl for him, haha. I don't know what it is that spins me into a dark depression every year in the first month of the year but, it happens every single time. So now it's February 2nd and I have an interview today. I had a phone interview last week and then the call came a couple days later for the face to face interview. I didn't even care. This particular company I've interviewed with twice already for 2 different jobs and got rejections. Along with all of the other rejections I've received since June and the general depression and negativity I've been putting out in the world, who fucking cares that I have an interview. But, here's the thing. I do care. Yes, it's been almost 8 months and I can barely remember what it's like to get up and use my brain for 8-9 hours but, that's who I am. The core of my being comes from getting through and graduating college. For some it's not that big of a deal but, you guys should know by now for me it was huge. It was my greatest accomplishment in life and probably always will be. If you have children you understand how hard it would be to take a full school load, work, raise a baby and also let's not forget I was a child myself. Trying to make something happen by sheer fucking will because DB certainly wasn't doing anything to help. I've said before that my identity comes from my career and that's true. Everyone's different...this is how I add value to myself because this is what I worked so hard for. This life, that I can look at and say yes, I am accomplished. My kids are fed and clothed and we live in a decent house and I am a provider. Maybe I have more testosterone in my system than most? Probably why I'm the only female I know that can have just a sexual relationship with someone and not get attached (ahem, most times, I'm not super human). So today matters and if I don't treat it like it does then what's the point. I can look at today as life changing because it is. It's not just one more failure to add to my list, it could be the success I've been looking for. And if I don't treat it like that then they will smell the lack of confidence and the lack of caring in the parking lot. So now I go and write down every kick ass accomplishment I've ever had to prepare. I'm ready, I didn't drink at all last night and probably slept 10 hours. I've cleared all the MC crazy from my mind and have one focus and one focus only...sell myself and get this fucking job.

Hope

2010-01-31T08:57:00.003-05:00

Recently I've been down...way the fuck down. Like can't even remember what it was like to be up. I've been trying to pull out of it in the last week by writing again and thank god for you guys I actually have a private blog where it's really terrible. I'm trying to remember myself as a confident, smart, business woman. I've lost my confidence in myself. I've always kind of considered myself a fraud. Everytime I've ever gotten a job I think, ha! tricked those assholes again! My life now is so different from where I was in high school. Yes I did a lot but, I was never in the top of my class. A slightly lazy student always waiting until the last minute to pull in an average grade. Even in my small town, no big deal and then I got pregnant. On some level I'm sure noone was really surprised...probably assumed in 10 years I'd still be at that Applebees. I remember something changing in me one day and looking at myself. I could stay in my hometown scared to make something of myself or I could just say fuck it and do it. I re-enrolled in school. I went to school during the day and waited tables at night to finish my associates degree and applied to UNC-Wilmington. I received in the mail a rejection. A lesser person might have given up, but, I called bullshit. Called them and found out it was just a problem with some class I had actually taken and got my acceptance for the fall. Yes, Wilmington was only 1 hour from my hometown but, it was a step. A step for someone that was always sheltered but, still had my Daddy's backbone and sheer will to make shit happen. I think I've blogged before about my first day on campus. I was fullfilling my father's dream for me to break out and get a degree. Because yes, I could have had a life carved out of working on my feet and working hard but, this is what he pushed me to do. The first in my family to attend a University. On top of that I'm an accountant. When you say you are an accountant people take a second look. Not everyone can do this job. You HAVE to be smart in a different sort of way. On top of that I am a goddamn excel and systems genuis. I can look at something and the wheels in my head start spinning. I am smart. I have an excellent resume and have made good choices in my career. I will be good again. I don't have my CPA and I've been attending grad school for almost 4 years by the time I graduate in Aug. This doesn't mean I'm not good. This doesn't mean I'm not an asset to a company. Yes other people are better but, guess what that will always be the case. Soon and hopefully very soon, like Wed soon the right company is going to see the potential in me.

As for MC...well...that pathetic writing I told you about? Yeah that has helped. I sat back yesterday and thought...wtf. Hahaha of COURSE he is coming back to me. I am awesome...I love to go out, drink, laugh my ass off and love music. But, on top of that we like to go to the same places, try to out drink each other, laugh at the same weird shit and listen to the same music. I don't even need to go into all of the things I've introduced and he's introduced sexually. We click, we are compatible and he will be back. And if he's not (but, he will...2 hours after I had a revelation he texted me) well seriously, he's the world's biggest idiot. Opportunities like this do not come along everyday...he should know this more than me having way more being single experience. I mean not every girl will laugh at this until she cries:

I need advice

2010-01-29T10:10:00.002-05:00

I've never been broken up with. Ever. I've been rejected a few times and had my heart ripped out of my body by my ex repeatedly but, never truly dumped. I don't know what to do so I need you people to tell me. The scenario is he told me that he had a great time with me cared about me but, didn't want a relationship. I responded with why did you treat me like we were in one then? Attention, affection, telling me you missed sleeping with me...he responded with I'm done talking about this, if you have anything else to say to me say it now because I'd like to see you before I leave. O_o I was all huh, what do you want? He said for us to be cool and hang out and have a beer. There was a lot more but, that's teh short version. So, I am of course just waiting now. NOt really what I wanted. I wanted this to be either back on or done. I guess it's not done but, there needs to be some time of quiet. Or I just need to maybe accept it is done and he was just being nice. I think for my sanity I have to move on. So how do I do it? How do I stop crying all the fucking time or getting drunk and talking about him to anyone, trying to understand, trying to see if I can fix it. Just being an overall mess. I went home with a friend last night...he's been hitting on me for a while and he's cute and funny and you know when you can just tell someone's going to be good in bed? Yeah, all of that and I completely freaked out and left. Didn't even kiss him but, he knew I was a mess he's been listening to my ranting for the last week. I know I can't text him...it makes me sad that he was my person for 2 months. You know the one you told funny things to or talked about Lost with or that I'd tell about the band coming to Charlotte. Now I can't do any of that, it will come off as just an excuse to talk to him. So tell me what to do. I don't have a fucking job to keep me busy...there are signs everywhere that make me think of him. How long with this last? 2 weeks? 3? Someone make me feel better.

I had the control for 6 hrs

2010-01-23T07:38:00.002-05:00

My friend C gives the absolute best advice regarding men. She read a lot of self help books and is super good at telling other people what to do. In her own words she wishes she could follow her own advice. "Control is key, who ever has it wins." I had it for 6 hours literally. I decide no I'm not going to sit around and wait for MC to tell me I'm a great girl but we should probably not see each other anymore. So I did it. Said I really like him but, he's been a distraction for me keeping me from facing what's happening with my life. That I need to stop sitting around wondering if a stupid boy likes me and do something productive with my life. This? Is super true. Not saying I wouldn't be spun out if I was working full time but, I wouldn't have so much time to think and think some more and then think some more. How about how stare at my phone waiting for him to distract me from sitting in my house staring at the walls. Ever since it really and totally hit me that yes he's leaving I've freaked out. Not knowing how I will survive it...what will I do with all of my free time. Hey stupid, remember you did this before? It's hard though we have pretty much spent every kid free night together since the end of November and then I stay until the next day until he has to go to work or whatever. So every Mon/Tues night and Tues/Wed day and then every other Sat and Sun and Thurs...you get the idea. And texting every single day. All the time...last month I had 2,000 texts but, last Mon he didn't text me until 5pm. Just because he didn't, no reason. Such a nice feeling to be ignored just because. But, I started wondering if he was getting annoyed at having to check in.

Anyway, the point. Instead of waiting around I took matters in my own hands. He responded so what are you saying? Friends then or do you not want to talk to me for a while or what? I said I definitely wanted to be friends I just needed to get my shit together and get a job. Then I asked him if he got his second job. Which he did not respond to. And I felt good for about 5 hours. Then I started being crazy again. I remembered the girl that's been after him for a while...he's turned her down several times but, what if he decides well, Jessica just wants to be friends so I can totally fuck her. You know how guys are with the F word. For the record he could have fucked her at any point we've never been exclusive but, I am spinning around in crazy. So yes, I texted him again that I just wanted to not talk for a while not be like friends that don't have sex. Can you guess what happened? Yeah no response. I LOATHE myself. I had the upper hand and I lost it.

Also? I know this is annoying to read. Much more fun when I was all being a player running around with 3 and 4 men at once huh? Well guess what...that shit is for real in the movies. You realize how lonely you are when you meet someone you want to see more than once. Then you spend time with someone and the more time you spend with them the more you want to spend with them. I wish I had never said anything but, that's just me. I vomit out whatever is in my head. I can't believe it took me this long to make things uncomfortable and weird. It's like a record. It will get better...hopefully 2 weeks from now I will read this and want to punch myself for being a retard. Please say that's the truth not that I will still feel this sad. I'm tired of waking up and crying. All my friends are on board saying it's much better this way because it would be so much worse in 2 months since I'm already so attached to him. They are not right. In April he wouldn't have the choice to see me, now he does. But, I'm trying to remember this is the right thing. This is what *I* need to do. I need to stop obsessing and get a JOB. Any kind of job at all and then see if I can handle seeing him. Because I would love for things to go back to just being light and fun and I really want to visit him in Denver and keep talking to him. I'm not sure if that will happen. I guess it depends on if he misses me or not. I think he will or at least most of me, not all of this. Cause you know how much guys like talking about their feelings for days on end. Trainwreck people. That's my fucking nickname.

Enough wallowing

2010-01-22T10:26:00.002-05:00

The meltdown of all meltdowns occurred yesterday. It starts a week or so ago when I wrote that last post. I spent all week thinking and thinking and crying and just being a general mess. I decide to stop being a freak and just enjoy MC until he leaves. Except everything he says or does seems to be an action to push me away. He decided to take a 2nd job to save more money and also to have no days off. His days off are my kid free nights. He takes essentially his last day off and spends it with his roommate instead of me. I ask him to come to my side of town for the first time every and he can't. So then I start thinking well maybe he doesn't want to continue this and we have a fight over something really stupid and I leave. Because I just couldn't talk to him like a grown-up because I have no idea who I am right now. So I text an apology and get no response for an entire day which spins me into a very bad place. Because it's one thing to be broke up with...to be ignored means you aren't worth a 10 second text and that is horrid. He finally does respond and we have a couple back and forths, me telling him where I'm coming from and him doing the same. Ending with him needing a couple of days to put it all together. Meaning probably that this went from maybe we should spend less time together to probably this being over for good. I have been clinging to this/him because it's the only escape I have. I have so much fun with him but, it can't be all I have. No good for anyone. This has snapped me out of it a bit. I have to make changes and I'm doing it now. I am finding an in home daycare for the toddler so that I can take a lower paying temp job. I don't care what it is. Filing, answering the phone whatever. I am also going to every restaurant in a 10 mile radius. I will have something by the end of next week lined up, I hope. I revamped my resume yesterday in between crying bouts and applied to a bunch of places this morning. I can't be a stay at home Mom, it's pushing me right over the edge. I dread the days I get the kids back and I didn't used to be that way. I used to want to see them and now I just count down until they leave again. I need to get a little self worth back and stop this idiocy. Crying all the time, having no energy to clean or even get online for a job search...Chasing after a 25 year old? Really? I mean in my defense he's super hot and funny and damn the sex...ahh stopping. So he's probably expecting me to send him more texts and be all nutty like and I'm not. I am fucking fantastic and if he wants to spend the next 2 months with me he will and if he doesn't then that's fine too. I do not want to be remembered as the unstable crazy chick he couldn't wait to move away from.

I must have fucked over someone in a past life

2010-01-16T08:27:00.002-05:00

Where is the bottom? Can I please hit it so I can start coming back up. Every time I think this is it, things are going to start being good for me now. Nope. Let me first say, I know things can be worse, I do. My kids are relatively healthy, they require prescriptions every month but, I know it could be so worse. I am healthy and have fantastic friends. I can appreciate these things all day long. I consider myself a pretty good person. All I've done is try to have a decent life. I don't need to be some high roller. I just want to pay my bills pretty much on time so I don't have to worry about coming home to no water. I don't consider this some lofty dream. I gave up the idea that I will own a house or pay off my student loans a long time ago. I've been unemployed for 7 months. I have been on 5 interviews and came in second 3 times. 3 times it's been me or one other person. 3. That is more heartbreaking than not making it past the first cut...maybe who knows it's all bullshit. I apply for something everyday if there is something to apply for. This week I sat in my drive way crying, trying to force myself to put the car in reverse to go apply for waitress positions. It's a pride thing...I don't think anything less of anyone that does this for a living but, for me when I graduated I rejoiced that I would never have to wear a nametag again. If someone gave me a job and I just had to get ready and go I would. Its the going up to the manager and begging to be hired...trying to spin it in a way that doesn't sound like I would rather die than do this. I am going to do it this week though, I don't have a choice. If for some reason I don't get evicted for being 2 months behind on rent, I need more money than I'm making...to move or to catch up, we will see.

Now the second thing in my life that fucked up. I finally find someone worth a damn. I find someone that I like and I mean really like. I have been into 2 or 3 guys in the last year but, never like this. Its been 2 months. That's a lot people. I make the big decision last week to stop being a nut and let things go and allow myself to be happy. This lasted all of 2 days. He's moving in March. I knew he was moving I just didn't really know when. The end of March. As in 2.5 months. And now I'm miserable...because every time he does something incredibly sweet or hilarious or over the top sexy all I can think about is how he will be gone. It's the most terrible feeling to be this happy and sad at the same time. I don't know what to do. My friends say detach and my head agrees. My heart not so much. Part of me wants to spend every available second with him. I also don't feel like I can say anything...even though I'd like to think different, I don't think he is into me as much as I am into him. Also, 2 months is not long enough to say change your whole life course and stay here...with me. The single Mom of 2 kids...that's 9 years older than you...that will get a day job and not be as available soon (hopefully). I think about how hard it will be to find someone like him...I've dated a lot. I think about how incredibly terrible it will be if I don't have a job by the end of March. All of those days stretch out before me with nothing but, sadness to look forward to and loneliness and boredom. Another reason I have to get some kind of job. I may for real loose my shit. So, for now I will keep my feelings to myself. I will see how I continue to feel and maybe if I feel the same in March I will say something. Maybe not, because if he wanted to stay he would.

Things I'm a sucker for

2010-01-08T09:21:00.002-05:00

Conversations like this:

Me: glad you are back, did you miss your bed?
MC: no but, I missed you

That's all it takes men. We are really not so hard to please. Most of us don't need some grand gesture...no need to hire a small plane to write our name in the sky. We know by now that life is not a romantic comedy starring Reese Witherspoon. In this age of divorce and cynicism we should know that. I'm not saying I don't believe in love because i do. As much as I would like to just go through life without the messiness of love, it's not going to happen. I want it...I haven't really had it. I mean I loved DB but, more in a I'm stuck with you way, let's make this work the best we can. That. is. sad. We met when I was 17 and I fell for him hard...you know omg I haven't seen you in 4 hours I will literally DDDDIIIIEEE. We were gross together, lol. But, shit got real very quickly. Warning signs I chose to ignore were huge...in fact I broke up with him the month before I got pregnant because he was verbally abusive and would do crazy shit like punch walls when we fought (and that was a lot), this was 1994. He wore me down and we got back together and then I got pregnant and then it was on from there. We broke up again in 1996 when the teenager was just a baby and then again in 1998 when I was in college and then again in 2005 and now for good in 2009. Doesn't that sound like a big ass ball of fun?

So I want to have a good love. I want to have a good man, with integrity first and foremost. That through and through i know is good...not that deep down he's good we just have to dig through layers of fucked-upness to get to it. I'm not saying MC is the love of my life I've been looking for but, he's a good guy. No he's not a banker or some high roller and yes he's proven to be a bit of a flake but, he used to teach 2nd grade and coach kids basketball. He gets uncomfortable when his rich customers make a point of showing him how much of a tip he's received. He had a whole story about it and hid in the back until they left, lol. He's not one for material possessions in that very crunchy real way...not look at me I'm so cool I don't need stuff. So, when I don't hear from him at first I get all crazy girl and think he's blowing me off but, then I remember that I'm a freak and settle down. His phone is just dead because he forgot his charger. This? Is a huge step for me. Trust. Also, I didn't go bang someone else in retribution. I know, I know...super healthy but, this is also a big step for me. I like being in control and knowing I'm not putting my eggs (haha pun) in one basket is how I do that. Fuck you don't call me, I'll have a replacement in 10 minutes. In fact I had 3 different men contact me while MC was out of town and I hadn't heard from him in 2 days. Also, the whole sexual frustration thing...I was very close to going back to old behaviors but, I didn't. 2 of the guys I haven't heard from in 3-4 months, the universe is crazy. 1 I've been keeping in my back pocket as a just in case. He's not there anymore. Because I decided...if MC doesn't feel the same way about me that's fine...I'm not going to take something that has been all around good and make it gross by being a damaged freak. I'm also going to stop thinking about how crazy this is because we live complete different lifestyles and the fact that he's a roamer and will probably move at some point. I am trying to just enjoy this while it lasts. Because dirty boys with a good heart are pretty hard to find I think.

2010 Resolutions

2010-01-01T09:09:00.003-05:00

I try to do 10 each year even if they are insignificant...

1. I would say get a job but, that is slightly out of my control and stupid because of course I'm going to get a job. So I will say instead that I need to handle stress better. I need to not get so bogged down in it and treat everyone like shit around me because of things I cannot control.

2. Yell at my children less. I am not a fantastic mother...not horrible but, not one of those that is like dying to sit down and play with them. It's easier to do with the toddler of course...the teenager I have no idea what to do with. His stories bore the shit out of me if I even know what he is talking about. I need to work on finding ways to connect with him.

3. Potty train the toddler. Seriously, this has to happen somehow

4. Finalize my divorce and decide if I'm going to take back my maiden name. I REALLY, REALLY want to as my maiden name kicks absolute ass and it's my heritage. My Dad was Portuguese and I've always had so much pride in the name. BUT, I will have a different name from my children...any thoughts people?

5. Finish Grad school. I am supposed to graduate in August. If I don't get a job by then I will have to continue with some other degree to support myself. That is the only reason I shouldn't accomplish this in 2010. It will have taken me 4 years, jesus.

6. Figure out what I want as far as men goes. This year has been one of crazy emotional shit so I really don't think it counts. I've swung from I want a boyfriend to I want 4-5 men to pick from at once to I want no one near me. I do know I fucking hate dating but, no matter how hard I try to seem to get caught up in someone and all panicky about it. I need to learn to chill the fuck out and enjoy things one day at a time. Currently I know MC is moving...I don't know when but, I'm already sad about this ending...why can't I just enjoy the now?

7. Seriously, I have to clean more. Like really clean. I can go a month without vacuuming and my entire house except the kitchen is carpeted. I can't remember the last time I cleaned the downstairs bathroom. I've been saying I will clean all 3 of them for like a month.

8. Travel. I am hoping to go to California to visit a shit ton of people (not all are bloggers)...also a stop in Colorado (after Ireland is born of course) is needed.

9. Who knows what will happen with my sister. For now she and her husband are written off. They are toxic. I will not let my sentimental self overrule this until she shows some real kind of change.

10. Seems DB is sticking with the GF and I will need to find a way to include her in my family. He of course already has so I need to find a way. Tomorrow I am allowing her to watch the kids so I can have the morning free after I go out tonight. Usually if DB keeps the kids on a Fri I get up ass early and go get them because he works Saturdays. He always says I don't have to that she will watch them and I about chew his head off every time. I already know that she watches them on his time, this will be on my time so to speak. It's a huge step for me.

Check back 12/31/10 to see how these went!

2009 Resolution Re-visit

2009-12-31T09:20:00.004-05:00

Here are my resolutions from last year, let's break it down:

1. Stay separated...no matter how tired I get of cleaning and doing the single mom shit, don't give in! Think of all the strange there is to have and focus on that.

I did this, yay me and I'm pretty fucking happy about it. In a couple of weeks I could file for divorce, if I had the money that is. Oh well, it's been a year and I made the right choice.

2. Get flabbity ass to the gym so said strangers don't run from the room when they see me nekkid.

I did this...I have lost 18 lbs since last Dec. I don't really need to lose anymore but, I did loose another 4 lbs in Dec. (I think it has to do with MC and all the wild sex we have) I've dropped almost 2 pants sizes and have a flat stomach for the first time in my life. I mean it's no six pack but it's flat...as in no muffin top. It's fantastic and when I get a job I'm getting this guy to take some sexy pics so I can remember this shit when I'm 90.

3. Don't cry in restaurants when seeing perfect families eating their perfect dinners while I sit alone.

I haven't done this either...well maybe I did the beginning of last year but, now no. No one's family is perfect and to think so and wish for that is stupid.

4. Don't drink too much...keep it to one glass of wine on school nights but, get bombed on the weekends

Ummm this one...well...not so much especially since I don't have a job. I will say it's not much more than I was drinking before.

5. Don't laugh at your friend's wedding or offer to make a toast.

No weddings this year thank god. I think I could handle it now...since the effing holidays are over.

6. Have more phone sex.

Having the real thing is better but, still love the texting/phone thing in between.

7. Get my kid in golf lessons cause I'm loaded and of course that's what sport he picked.

Mom fail. Did not do this...for one it is almost impossible to enroll him in anything as it's my complete responsibility to take him and pick him up. When I am working 50 hrs a week that is ridiculous to even talk about and of course when I'm not working I can't afford it. Oh well, more shit for him to be pissed about when he's a grown up. Builds character.

8. Wean Fatty off the pacifier. I think I like it more than her.

I totally did this but, the potty training is not going well. In fact she turned 3 almost 3 months ago and we have no forward progress. At some point we are going to have to go cold turkey. This is extremely hard to do in 2 households.

9. Wean myself off of Facebook. Really I don't need to update my status every 2 minutes. People probably don't care that much. Also need to unmarry DB on there but, don't want to hurt his baby feelings.

Unmarried DB but, fuck weaning. I pink fluffy heart Facebook and I'm ok with that.

10. Stay in therapy and learn how to make 2009 my bitch!!

Did not stay in therapy and I wouldn't really call 2009 my bitch but, I don't think it made me it's bitch so that's good.

Tomorrow new resolutions to come...

Virginity and Facebook

2009-12-17T09:01:00.004-05:00

So the topic of virginity came up Tues night with the manchild....we exchanged our collective stories. (side note I just realized he lost his virginity 8 years ago versus, my 18...Jesus) My story is not all that exciting...I basically just wanted to get it over with. I was a huge flirt in high school, I know you are stunned by this unveiling. I essentially shit talked my way into having sex for the first time. He was all "prove it" or some shit and I thought yeah OK, let's just do it. He tells me his friend has to come to keep a look out for his Mom, I guess she was a teacher, I can't remember.

The whole thing is fuzzy of course, hello, 18 years ago. I remember it being so surreal...for some reason I had on matching bra and panties and I remember him commenting on that. I think he also introduced me to oral that afternoon...I don't remember it being terrible or hurting too bad which I guess is a good thing since it wasn't like with my high school boyfriend of 3 years. I'm pretty sure I had never even made out with him before this day, just exchanged dirty notes in chemistry class. At 16 I was the last virgin in my class it seemed. I was a year behind everyone because my birthday is in Oct. Somehow everyone knew it too and I got frequent offers to be my first. How I settled on B is just hilarious...no thought behind it, just oops backed myself in a corner here, OK I'll do it. I must have left marks on him in some fashion because he went to baseball (basketball?) practice after and by the time I got to play practice at 7, the entire fucking school knew. I am from a super small town so I shouldn't have been that shocked but, 16 year old me was way more dramatic than 34 year old me...again, stunning revelation. So, that did piss me off at the time but, oddly not enough to NOT have sex with him again (rolling my eyes, what a slut).

I ran into The Lookout maybe a week or two after it all...not sure how it happened but, he told me that he watched us. He told me that B left the door cracked and he wasn't really there to watch for B's mom but, to watch me. I didn't believe him at first but, then did...again I don't know why. Then I proceeded to carry around some pretty solid hatred for B. I mean loosing your virginity is something you remember forever and I don't care how you slice it, letting your buddy watch is fucked up. I even said something super rude to him at our 10 year reunion (I was drunk...can you handle all this surprising news?).

Now, who really cares. I felt dumb about carrying a grudge that long after my reunion and decided fuck it...it was a long time ago and let it go. We are even friends on Facebook and have been for a while. I decided to email him this morning and find out after all. He may be totally lying but, he tells me he would never then or now allow someone to watch. I believe him and think how funny it is to be so affected by certain events in your life. He didn't even remember it was my first time...didn't even remember the lookout being there...I wonder if he remembered the purple bra and panty set. He did thank me for the memories which cracks me up, what memories? He probably didn't even remember that we HAD sex. Life is crazy, I wonder if there is someone out there like this for me? Someone that thinks of me good or bad in certain situations that I am totally oblivious to.

So the moral of the story is...loose your virginity to someone you a) know b)trust and you won't have a lifelong traumatic-like story to tell when it's your turn to share.

Being Humble Sucks Ass

2009-12-11T14:57:00.002-05:00

This is from my old blog...it's a story I will never ever forget.

Picture it...Here I am, 22 year old just moved to Wilmington, NC. Now I've always looked young so I'm assuming most people thought I was around 14 when I was 22. At 25 when I was at the park with Mason a man came up to me and told me my brother was throwing sand at his kid, this ties in....I am a starting Junior in college and I have a 2 year old. I came from a military town and was not a freak there. There is was perfectly normal to be a hostess at Lone Star Steakhouse and pregnant. I was one of the older ones actually. I was not married to a marine but, I digress. I lived in an apartment not far from the school and the only grocery store near was a Harris Teeter. Now, I'm not sure if this is regional thing but, HT is about the nicest grocery store in NC besides Whole Foods (I think that's what the name is), which is so expensive I won't even cross the parking lot in fear of a toll. So, here I am broke, young and sporting a toddler but, NOW I am a waitress at TGIF's. It's, let's say, Sunday afternoon and I need diapers. Some of you might know that you can't get diapers with WIC or Food Stamps or a daycare voucer, you need actual money!! Well, for some reason all I had was the roll of quarters for the washer and dryer and a coupon. With said coupon and quarters (not in the roll for some reason, wadded up in my tiny fist) and baby with NO SHOES (which has always been a pet peeve of mine and to this day I don't know why he wasn't wearing any!) and I swear this is all true, I head to the fancy store for some Huggies made for Boys. You might know they don't make those gender specific diapers anymore, random thought. Anyhoo, the baby is heavy and at some point in my treck from the car to baby aisle to checkout I've lost my effing coupon. So there I am with about 20 people behind me and I say, well let me go look for it. Because I have exactly enough to buy the diapers but, only with the coupon will this be possible. I go out to the parking lot with my barefoot boy. No coupon. I go back to the diaper isle. No coupon. I retrace my steps all the way back to the cashier. No coupon. "Oh, well I say I guess I'll have to come back, sorry!" Here's where it gets great. "No worries sweetie, this nice man behind you paid for the diapers with his credit card." What do you think my reaction was? Gratitude? No. Of course not. Here is this nice man buying diapers for a needy teenage mom, so he thinks. Or, maybe he just wanted to get the fuck home and I was holding up the line, who knows. I respond by holding out my tiny hand crammed with quarters and simply say, "Here." He holds up his hands and says, "No really it's fine." I say, "Here, I AM NOT POOR!" and I force him to take approximately $8.50 in quarters and I bolt. I was mortified and I felt terrible. I kept thinking that poor bastard will never help another person in need because of me. I wanted to turn around and thank him because now I could do my laundry but, I couldn't. I just had too much pride.

I thought of this story today when in Target trying to buy medication for my 3 year old. My insurance got cancelled due to being 3 days late. I fought for an got reinstatment but, now I need to pay 4 months worth of premiums to make that happen, and buy some Christmas presents oh and how about a $900 car repair bill. I just was hoping noone would get sick before the end of Dec. Well, fuck me the toddler is sick...and she never just gets a cold, oh no. I take her to the doctor immediately always because it's always something. Sure enough she has an ear infection and is needs her 2 breathing machine med. I called the pharmacy thinking I could buy it...$400. For one month supply, $400!!!!!! I mean what the fuck. Anyway, I ask the Dr. for something cheaper or some advice, should I go to the hospital what? He writes me a prescription for the antibiotic and then for a different kind of breathing med. He thinks it will be cheaper. I go to the Target pharmacy and give her the slips of paper, requesting a price before they fill. $65 for the antibiotic and $98 for the other. I had a little under $100 (which is actually for another bill, hello electric company please be nice). Satan not feeling well, is screaming about some goddamn movie and standing up in the cart while I'm trying to talk to the pharmacy clerk. She tells me the amounts and I blink and stutter, "Is that generic?" She says yes and I can't speak. It's too much, I choke out that I'll be right back, she says, do you still want us to fill?? I don't make it too far and break down. Satan is still screaming at me and people are looking and it's awful. I bolt out of the store, get to the car and just make the hard choice. I go back and ask for the antibiotic to fill. Hopefully, she will get better with just the one breathing med. When I go to pay the clerk says, "well it's actually only $10."
"Huh?"
"Yeah, $10 that's better than it was, right?"
"Yes, but why?? Did my insurance pay?"
She's looking me dead in the eye, "no"

Again I can't talk...what is making me cry harder? The fact that I can't buy my child's medication or the fact that someone is helping me? I'm not sure but, either way I fucking hate it and wish for the millionth time that I had a filled Xanax prescription.

The Current Distraction

2009-12-10T09:49:00.002-05:00

So I know I was all, no men until I get a job...it's not my fault really. I did not seek this out. A couple of months ago the clit went out on my Blackberry (thank you MommaKiss for the hilarious naming of the rolly ball thingy.) So I took it in and they sent me a shiny new phone...life got crazy and I ended up having to send back my old BB before I could get my numbers ported into the new one. So for quite a while I've received random text messages from unknown numbers..which is super fun. I get a text almost 3 weeks ago and it's T the manchild that made me absolutely crazy in March of this year. We met and quickly hit it off...he was funny, and had excellent taste in music and was quite forward. I could tell he was a little young but, when he said 24, I was on one hand disappointed and on the other turned on. I am 9 years older than him...as far as this goes, I am not interested in teaching anyone. My attraction to younger men comes from pure and simple fun. They don't want to get married and have babies, they don't give a shit how long you've been single, they don't give a shit that you have kids, they don't care about your credit score. They also may work in the restaurant industry and think 11pm is early to go out on a Tues. Back in March we only met once....every other time it was a fucking disaster that made me angrier and angrier with each failed attempt at meeting. He would get out and get too drunk to drive or not get off work when he thought...one time I even did leave to meet him at 11 and he left his keys in his friends car. After that I said just forget it...I couldn't be staying up until 2am and then going to work the next day. It just wasn't meant to be so I let him go.

But now? Now all I have his time...lots and lots of empty hours to fill up. No one wants to go out with me on Mondays and Tuesdays because I want to stay out. I've been cooped up all day, I don't want to meet you at 7 and be home by 10. So I answer his text and the flirting begins...except I forgot....he is a complete freak. We never really explored anything with just the one quick encounter we had. He needs no teaching and did I mention the hotness? He's got that skinny rocker, artsy musician vibe. Like Alexander Supertramp from Into the Wild he's a roamer. He's lived in about 8 places in 7 years (he had a bday) and just picks up and moves where ever regardless of friends or a job lined up with fascinates me. I could never be that way. Ever. Also? Funny...extremely funny...so it's not just like we are hooking up. We are texting all day long, spending a lot of nights together then, lounging around the next day together. Watching silly shit on you tube and just laughing and yes snuggling. So sue me I like him but, just learned his last name. We don't talk about weird relationship stuff we just enjoy each other for the moment and I like that very much. No pressure, no stress...just blissful escapism (with lots and lots of orgasms...25...stamina, the end).

I know, I know shut up about the class already...

2009-12-07T11:17:00.003-05:00

When I was in sixth grade my best friend turned around and said to me, "You know if you don't get your grades up you are never going to get into college." That uppity bitch was wrong...

So somehow I pulled it out of my ass again. I do the same thing today that I did all through middle school/high school and college. I am the last minute Queen. All semester to write a 20 page term paper? How about I check out some books the weekend before it's due...Romeo and Juliet project worth 30% of Junior English in HS? Scrounging for poster board at 11pm Sunday night. I have always, always been this way. Most of the time it works so it's clearly my m.o. I behave this way with my job too, that's why I like to be super freaking busy. I need momentum to keep me going...let me get stagnant for a minute and the whole operation comes to a crashing halt. I used to make my parents crazy because I have all this intelligence but, none of the motivation. When I was in high school, I took college prep classes, was captain of the drill team, first chair flute in band, in the chorus and the musical every year...oh yeah and I worked weekends too. I mean jesus christ how could I have been anything but, a C student? College was in-fucking-sane. I always took a full load 4-5 class, had a 2 year old (basically by myself DB always had some jacked up job where he worked nights or something) and worked 30 hours a week as a bookkeeper. I remember standing in the shower sobbing in exhaustion. Just praying for the day when I could focus on one thing! When I could come home and just do nothing. So it really didn't surprise many people when I enrolled in Grad school in August of 2006, 2 months before my daughter was born. Why do anything in moderation? Working and taking care of a newborn (and pre-teen) while attending classes online filling up nights and weekends sounds like a kickass time huh? So while some of you may see me as a lazy partier...you are correct. In this moment of my life I am but, I need to remember I wasn't always this way. I've always been a hard worker...may not have had the grades, may have been a teenage pregnancy but, never a statistic. I have carved out a generally successful life out of sheer will power. No one helped me, in fact it was quite the opposite. I'm a goddamn after school special people, recognize.

Tattoos and memories

2009-12-06T08:50:00.009-05:00

So like any mid thirty woman that is going through a major life change I want a tattoo. Actually, I've wanted one for many, many years except DB would have divorced me. Well, he says that but, who are we kidding. He HATES tattoos. A lot of my way of thinking has been shaped by him, naturally. We met when I was 17...a small town girl with zero life or love experience. Tattoos are trashy according to him and a girl with one, unacceptable. So of course I am dying to get one now. I have been talking about it for a year...trying to decide placement and what it will be. I had the original idea to do a butterfly with my children's initials in the wings somehow but, then thought eh butterfly, lame. Then came up with a book cover from one of my favorite Stephen King novels.

It could just be the castle in the glass and I wanted the famous quote (famous if you are a fucking nerd like me), "The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed." around the glass in a circle. This seemed like it would have to be a large tattoo and maybe I want to ease myself into this.

So then I'm thinking and thinking what else has shaped me? My father passing away for sure. Growing up my parents owned a breakfast restaurant in my hometown for probably 10 years. It was a huge part of my life but, essentially killed my Father. He worked day and night 7 days a week to make it work. We had a time when things were really good and then Desert Storm came and wiped out all the small businesses in my hometown, Jacksonville, NC home of Camp Lejune, oohrah. My Father who had only been in the restaurant business was unemployed at the age of 38. No college degree no energy to keep doing what he had. Plus, can you imagine the pride swallowing it would take to go from running your own restaurant (famously in my small town, people still come up to me and talk about my Daddy's homefries) to being a manager for someone? But, he got a break. He was in tight with suppliers from the business and got offered a position in the beverage department. Basically, supplying the coffee/juice machines in various restaurants and servicing them if needed (though I'm pretty sure he didn't know shit about servicing, lol). It was a big deal. It was a HUGE deal. I saw how he looked when I would come home from school. Knowing he was sitting there in his lazy boy when I left for school and wondering if he had gotten up at all that day. My Mom was fine because she had went to school for dental assisting and had a job almost immediately...further driving home the point my Dad always was preaching about...college. Any college was better than no college. It was his dream for me and I was never prouder the day that happened. So back to the point...my family is one of givers. Any little occasion we buy cards or little gifts for one another. My Dad spoiled the crap out of my Mom and is to this day the standard I hold men up to (which is why I would have never been happy in my marriage, he wasn't even close). And I don't mean by elaborate expensive gifts...I mean by thoughtful, creative, loving gifts. So when my Dad got the job I decided to buy him some flowers. I'm not sure why exactly but, that's what I wanted to do. I went to the florist and I said I wanted something unique and not girly. My Dad always wore crazy clothes and was a complete individual. She gave me a Bird of Paradise and he loved it. Was touched by the gift I could tell. He knew I was proud of him...and when he died 3 years later that same florist told me Bird of Paradise was out of season but, she saw my face and she saw how important it was to me. She had one flown in and it came in the morning of his funeral. I placed the lone flower inside his coffin with him. So he could know that I was always so proud of him, that I would always be with him. I also had Bird of Paradise in my wedding portrait and in the centerpieces. So again I thought to have this tattoo...but, my Dad also loathed tattoos. Would it be weird to get a tattoo to remind you of your Dad knowing he would hate it?

Lastly, I could just do this bird from Widespread Panic...another thing that has shaped me. I started listening to them in 1993 and it's something DB introduced me to. It's more than just music...it's part of me and who I am. Decisions, decisions...tell me about some of your ink and what they mean, if anything.

Look a kitty!

2009-12-05T09:55:00.003-05:00

Yesterday one of my long time recruiters called me. We started talking about grad school and why I was so far behind. School is extremely important right now as it supplementing my income. I am receiving financial aid that without it I'd be on the street. Unemployment is 1/4 of what I was previously making. I actually am quite the shit student. Always doing the bare minimum and procrastinating like mad. I have 4 CPA review classes that are part of my curriculum. They are Becker review if anyone is familiar with this. I actually log in through the Becker website not my school website to take these. I have been trying for 1 year to successfully complete one of these classes. 2 things are stopping me. One, I realized that these actually don't affect my GPA so I just stopped attending because hey it didn't matter. I have to maintain a 3.0 cumulative GPA in this program. Two, there are no weekly deadlines, I just have to be done by the deadline. This is no bueno...I suck huge, huge balls at this. That is why I am now trying to cram 3-4 weeks of work into 2 days. I am the anti-adult...being distracted by anything in order not to do this work. I have to do this work, I will be kicked out of the program if I don't. I knew this and still spent all my free time with a 25 year old this week. I mean seriously, what is my fucking problem? I was such a better student when I worked....actually I did everything better when I worked which makes no sense. I had zero time but, kept my house much cleaner, was nicer to my children and did just fine in school. I am lost without a job to structure me. I really hope this shit turns around in January. I think I'm going to need some kind of medication for real.

Constructive Criticism or How I am Never Wrong

2009-12-03T15:19:00.003-05:00

In response to this post, I received the following comment:

miconian said...
You certainly have the right to reject guys you don't find attractive, and I sympathize with the awkwardness of the situation.What I'm a lot less sympathetic to is your indignation that he would think that you might be interested. As a guy who isn't particularly attractive myself, let me just say: you never know. It's actually quite possible that he has dated someone much hotter than you, who was turned on by his affinity for ___, his knowledge of ___, and that well-timed joke he made about ____. The fact that he thinks you are within reach as a romantic partner is not an insult, and taking it like one is, well, ugly. Just say that you don't feel chemistry with him, and move on.

First of all I looked at your profile and you are attractive (to me anyway) second of all, I'm not trying to start any weird internet drama, I found this response interesting (and maybe I'm defensive...I admit to being defensive). While I am all for equality and not judging a book by it's cover blah, blah, blah that's not really how the world works is it? Let's paint the picture a little more clearer. I am 5'3" petite frame and 34. He was a very large smelly man turning 47 that day. At 47 he managed to not shower or comb his ratty long hair or find time to clean his clothes. I busted my ass to make it through college and before being laid off busted my ass for 9 years to get pretty far in my accounting career. I have it on good authority that this guy was an alcoholic that sponged of my friend and didn't have any kind of job at all. So WHY would a guy like that ask me out? I admit to being jaded...I think most men want something from you if they see you as successful. Do they want a sugar mama, arm candy, what? Is this guy going to be a step parent to my two children, please. So I think I do have a right to be insulted. And if we want to go on looks alone, I still stand by that. If you think I'm shallow I'll introduce you to the man I was married to for 15 years. Not a looker by any means. Actually I take it back...I am a little shallow because I work hard to look good. I spend money on hair products and clothes and anti aging blah, blah, blah. I shower and shave and apply makeup when going out even if it's to a skeevy house party. I go to the gym 4-5 times a week so if I get bothered some some practically homeless guy in a stained shirt asking me out then I think I have a right. I DID say I'd be his friend...I obviously was nice enough to him that he thought that was an open door. As much as we want life to be a freaking Disney movie, it usually isn't. I ain't Belle and this Beast was not my prince.

Thanksgiving

2009-12-01T09:27:00.004-05:00

First of all I can't believe I forgot about the pool table kiss...damn that was hot, like in the movies hot...anyway back to depression...

This Thanksgiving was hard for me. My SUPER happy sister and brother-in-law really didn't make it much better. People just don't think...they weren't being insensitive on purpuse but, at one point BIL looked at my sister and said, "This is what? Our 15th Thanksgiving together?" I turned my back while they smiled at each other and reminised a while about this year or that year. It would have been our 16th. While I still know I made the right decision it was hard to get through the day. It felt wrong to not be with him, not have him annoying me by not helping me cook or get the kids ready. When I needed help carrying all the dishes to the car he wasn't there to lend a hand. He wasn't there making everyone laugh in the kitchen and arguing with my BIL about football. Stealing deviled eggs out of the fridge when my sister wasn't looking. Giving my middle niece hugs and attention (she seemed to like him more than the other 2). No he was with his Mom and his new girlfriend. Last year we were at his parent's house. Surrounded by his sister, husband and 3 kids and MIL and FIL. I remember FIL gave the blessing and broke down sobbing. He had cancer and was so grateful and sad at the same time. Maybe he knew it was the last time he would say Thanksgiving grace? Maybe he knew the family was never to going share a Thanksgiving meal together again.

This year reminded me of the first Thanksgiving after my Dad passed away. My brain recoiled in horror when I sat down at the table to eat in my Mom's house, 14 years ago. Every delish item on my plate blurred up as I sat looking at the food dumbly and then looking at everyone eating like nothing was wrong. I couldn't do it. I jumped up from the table and ran outside and literally collapsed in the front yard. I know dramatic but, I couldn't breathe in there. All of the talk about how, "Daddy would have been so proud" at my Mom's weilding of the electic knife that was supossed to elicit laughs and lift sprits just made me feel panicky inside. My Mom and my Sister came out and surrounded me and shushed me and let me cry and cry. They knew exactly what was going on in my head, they were feeling it too, they were just better at pretending.

I know the holidays are about family. I try so very hard to appreciate what I have instead of morn what I don't. No Father, no husband, no Papa or Grampy for my children. I need to try harder come Dec. 25th.

Sex, sex, sex...no kissing is the key.

2009-11-30T14:12:00.003-05:00

Sex or depression is what the name of this blog should be. I have other topics I promise...I was thinking that some of the hottest moments of my life don't necessarily involve the P in the V. I mean yes everyone wants the big orgasm, the one that makes you about pass out but, what I tend to think about when daydreaming is the kiss, (pay attention men) before that. So in no particular order...

An unexpected bite on the lip during a sweet kiss, and not like a little nibble a full blown bite.

We are in mid conversation and he reaches over grabs a handful of my hair and pulls me in for a kiss

This...oh this..."Kiss me." "I can't I have to go, you have very bad timing." "You know it's not going to last." And he pulls me in...(after 2 years of flirting)

Hands on either side of my face for an intense first kiss and I'm pressed up against a cold brick wall, not even caring.

He pulls away and I lean in and he holds me back, making me crazy. He knows it and that makes me even more crazy.

He looks at me and brushes the hair out of my face and very gently leans in (sigh...)

At a crowded club and I'm trying to get away from him he grabs me by the arm and yanks me back to him and kisses me until I can't breathe. So angry and hot...

"Can I kiss you?" "Yes." (dear god I should have said no and ran very fast)

Sharing time now! Want to hear your hot kissing stories!

The guy friend stereotype is true

2009-11-28T09:01:00.006-05:00

First I am in a better mood, though I don't know why. I get my car back instead of paying for a rental...he's letting me make payments which rocks. BUT, I have to pull Satan out of part time daycare to afford it and buy some sort of Christmas this year. Oh well, suck it up. Plenty of people are stay at home moms without murdering their children, I'm sure I can figure out a routine for a month or so. Oh and I have about 5 weeks of school work to do in one week next week because I am the biggest procrastinator in the entire world. I mean seriously, adult? Yeah who am I kidding?? So onto the funny story...

I have this friend M that is a guy. He is actually BFF's friend so we are friends by default. They have been friends forever and I've known him since I've known BFF, about 9 years. Also, he's been in love with me for about that long. That is a whole other story....M moved into this house with these 2 other guys. Now all of them party like crazy so the house is totally gross. One roommate is 24ish and the other is in his 40's. M is 40. So BFF says let's go over and hang out and see M. We go and it is a weird ass crowd of young and old...one guy is 20 and if he had been one year younger I would have left. I like to party and get wild but, I'm not going to hang out with a kid smoking weed and drinking, though I suppose it's none of my business. Anyway, that guy is hilarious because BFF and I immediately start messing with him because he's hitting on us and he dishes it right back. So T is the 40-something roommate and he's all artsy which I like. He does look like a Gorg from Fraggle Rock. Seriously...the hair, the dress, the body. Gross. But, I do not judge and can find just about anyone interesting. He's showing me tons of stuff and we are talking about Stephen King my favorite author and our favorite books. I think most people judge me completely wrong in a first introduction. I look sweet and innocent and prissy, I am none of those things. I am dark and sarcastic and maybe a little prissy but, I like metal and I love different, off the path people. Anyway, so he says to me at the end of the night that he'd like my number to discuss literature sometime. I say sure! About a month later I hear from him, he is inviting me to his birthday get together at the house. I say yeah I'm free, I'll call M and get directions. He says M is out of town. I call BFF....is it safe to go hang out with those weirdo guys without M there? She says, oh yeah they are all partiers but, totally harmless. So, I go. I stop and buy T a birthday card because I'm nice and don't go to parties empty handed. Plus, I am a total birthday nut. It's your special day!!! LOL So I get there and we are all hanging, doing the usual drinking and smoking and laughing our asses off. I'm having a good time hanging out with all these weirdos. Then this happens:

T-are you having fun?

Me-yes I am!

T-we should hang out again sometime

Me-sure!

T-I could cook for you, I know how to make blahblahblah

Me-.....

Ummm what? Did that just happen? This guy who seriously looks like this:

Did he just ask me out? Did he just really think I would go out with him??? Did I mention he also doesn't have a job? I mean wtf? When I gave him my number I truly thought it was under the "friend" cone of safety. But, here I am showered wearing clothes with no stains on them moaning about my corporate job I miss. Just because we read the same books doesn't mean you can run in my circle, dude. When guys like this ask me out (because it's happened before, I'm too damn nice) it really makes me question self esteem. I do not think I'm some super model but, I think I'm pretty attractive and some days even hot. So anyway, I truly am a nice person (to your face anyway) I would never like laugh at him or make him feel like a moron for taking a chance. I know how hard it is to tell someone you like them. So, I make some inane comment and go to the bathroom. I am a little buzzed or I would bolt. Just then C (who we hate) starts texting me. We had our first date the night before...such a great first date, sigh. So I end up sitting right next to T texting C. Thinking ok he will get the hint that I'm kind of ignoring him and all over my texts like a silly schoolgirl. After about 30 min of uncomfortable comments and me texting like a maniac I leave. C is still texting me and it's about a 30 min drive home. I get this text:

I think you are awesome and want to see you more.

I text back: good cause you are gonna

Then I get a random text from T: oh goody you are so cool

Me: to myself, huh? Goes back to texting C

Get another weird mushy type text from T and decided to nip it in the bud now. Hit reply and what do I see? The above text was from him not C and I just made things really fucking awkward. So I then had to text him and tell him that that text was meant for someone else and I'm really sorry but, we can only be friends. Then he starts texting all kinds of drunk strange shit...ending with "I wish you liked me." Oh man I bet her regretted that the next day. But, still I am kind and finally text back, that I'm sorry but, we will only ever be friends. I don't hear from him again until the next day when he apologizes. And that is the story of how I never will think ANY guy wants to just be my friend. Later on M was horrified that I went there alone and said he would not have said that was ok, lol. Thanks BFF...

Just have to laugh...

2009-11-24T11:41:00.003-05:00

I am trying to not be a total downer...I really am. I don't like myself very much when I feel like that inside. It's like a crushing weight and the thought of doing anything at all seems exhausting. Clean? Nope. Shower? No thanks. Take care of your kids? How about mac-n-cheese for dinner. Every time I think ok NOW I'm going to get a break...now things are going to turn back to up...no. No I keep finding new lows to tap into. I know things could be so much worse. I heard a story yesterday from this chick that does repos that the family was living in the car that she had to repo. She dropped them off at the shelter and drove away with their house. I mean jesus christ. Do I have to spend my holidays in the hospital, no...or pray for a sick child, no. But, is my life upside down, yes. I can't afford to buy my children presents. Well, I can probably buy them something but, not anything exciting. I can't even afford to buy anyone in my family a present and now it looks like I won't be going home for Christmas. I don't even want to. What I'm going to sit around while people hand me presents and I have nothing to give back? I LOVE giving presents...I love Christmas and Thanksgiving but, this year seem only capable of loving feeling sorry for myself. I know suck it up life isn't fair but, I'm fucking tired of struggling...tired of trying to pay my bills before I get shut off/repoed/evicted. It's not fair. I worked so hard to get through college, I worked so hard to get to a decent place in life, with no help from my supposed partner at all. I currently have a decision to make...do I pay my electric bill or do I pay my health insurance. Both HAVE to be paid. My children are on meds monthly that without insurance cost somewhere around $700 a month. Ha-fucking-ha. $700! I don't qualify for medicaid when receiving unemployment pay. My Mother can't help me, my sister can't help me, my best friend can't help me, my children's father can't help me. So let me sit here today and worry all day that I blew up my car on top of it all. That somehow I kept forgetting to go get the oil changed in my asshole of a VW Passat. I hate that fucking car...every time something goes wrong it's $600. Plus, the radio blew out a couple of months ago and I'm pretty sure a cat got in there somehow and pissed it in.

Guess what? Most things wrong in my life are my fault. I live sort of oblivious to bad things happening. Oh what? I got laid off..let's go on this trip...I'll change the oil tomorrow, it will be ok. I got a temp job, well I HAVE to buy new clothes. Just poor decision after poor decision. To be so smart I am a fucking retard about a lot of things. I can manage the shit out of other people's money but, not my own. This post is not fishing for sympathy, I just needed to vent. I know it will get better and that this will pass. I just hope to still have my house at the end of it.

Who do I wanna talk about?

2009-11-23T11:26:00.003-05:00

Pretty soon all men will flee from me when they realize I will talk about them on my blog. I promise to never use names or pictures and not to lie, ok? So I was going to talk about my FWB and how we've known each other for 6 years but, I think that will be long so I will talk about CH (not to be confused with C who we hate more than smelly hookers).

It was May and somehow I ended up going TWO WHOLE MONTHS without sex. I am not really sure how this happened but, I remember it well. I cannot physically go that long without sex. I can't concentrate, I masturbate morning, noon, and night, call and try to arrange sketchy booty calls from guys that suck in bed...you get the idea. So that night I go over to my friend B's house for a Martini Party. First off I don't drink liquor. I don't know my limits and I almost always puke. But, I go anyway and bring my favorite martini mixer which is some peach stuff and drink maybe 3. 3 is too many and everyone is boring as fuck and starts to leave at like 9:30. I text a friend and she says to meet them at this local bar that has a dj so we can dance. Perfect! I don't have to drive far (don't drink and drive!!) and can dance, my favorite. She tells me that a couple of her guy friends are coming and I'm not excited as I've seen pics on FB.

I walk up to the 3 of them and she introduces me to CH and it's one of those moments you know? Like I light up and he lights up...he's smoking hot, body, face and holy jesus a Boston accent. We all hit the dance floor and oh goodie he can dance too. We go outside for a cigarette and he compliments my Rainbows (I love a man that can appreciate a good flip flop). I get him to say stupid stuff in his accent. And did I mention that I am completely and totally hammered at this point? I remember a shot and more beers but, that's about it. He tells me that he wants to come home with me. He tells me this and says, "but you have to promise to not get attached." And then I laughed in his face...I say, hold on a minute and go find my friend. One-I want to make sure he's ok and 2-I want to make sure she hasn't fucked him or wants to fuck him. See even hammered I'm considerate. I don't do one night stands...meaning I don't have sex with strangers. Now if they come with references then it's on. He was also the very first guy to come to my house...one of 4...in a year...I don't let men come to my house, usually. My friend gives the green light and I go find him...tell him I will not accept until we've kissed. A kiss tells so much...will he be aggressive (like I like) or will I be the aggressor (also fun but not as much). He takes me out to his car and oh yes people he can come knocking...so he says I have to take the other 2 home and then I will come over. So I go home (don't drink and drive!!) and put on cute jammies and pass out in between his texts that he's sending to make sure I don't pass out for good. It seems like a very long time but, I am napping so I don't really notice. He finally gets there and it is so the top 10 of sexual experiences. Starting from opening the door and him grabbing me for a kiss and slamming the door shut behind him. We go upstairs to my room and he throws me on the bed. Like throws me...roughly and you know I like that. The sex itself is hot and rough and dirty....and it had been so damn long for me and I was so drunk I was probably the most enthusiastic partner he'd ever had in his life. It was fan-fucking-tastic. And then you know what happened people? We smoked a cigarette and did it AGAIN. Oh such a lucky girl..did I mention the magnums? Seems relative...so after the second time, he repeats that I'm not allowed to get attached and this time I kind of understand where he's coming from. Make a joke about tying him to my bed and send him on his way.

The next day my friend calls me and is dying...so apparently this "player" drove 15 min to drop her off, another 20 to drop the other friend off, another 20 to go to his house for magnum and then 45 min back to my house for sex. She was like high fucking five!! And guess what? Mr. Don't Get Attached to Me texts me regularly for a booty call. We've met up once more and it didn't come close to the first time but, was still very hot (remember timing people). And this week he even asked me how I was doing...men can be very funny creatures.

Timing is everything

2009-11-22T09:34:00.003-05:00

So timing is a bitch. You can meet someone who is essentially perfect for you but, the timing is all wrong. You aren't in a good place, he's not, whatever. I am one of those people that really wants to understand why I do things. I want to make sure I don't repeat past mistakes. I want to be a different person than I was...I want to make this separation from my old life be for something. Yes, he sucked and it was obvious to most that we didn't match up but, why did I stay with him so long. Why couldn't I find the strength to move on? Why did I reconcile with him 4 years ago. I have the answers to most of these...kids, kids, kids...family and sense of hope. I am a negative bitch, I really am and sarcastic and sometimes rude. But, deep down I have hope and I am a hopeless romantic. I tend to be gullible and take people at face value and find it very hard to wrap my brain around mistreatment. I don't understand why someone hurts a child or why someone lies to your face. I think that's why I had such a hard time with my marriage...why did he lie to me over and over...why was it ok for me to carry all of the burden...me thinking deep down he really doesn't mean to call me names or scream in my face in front of the kids. Me always having hope that things would change that he would finally see the light and treat me how I deserved to be treated.

Until finally I had to admit defeat. 15 years. That's a long fucking time of misery people. Obviously, I loved him too but, mostly I just felt like he was my responsibility...I was an enabler...oh of course it's not your fault you got fired again DB and no you just take as much time as you need to find a new job. What the fucking fuck? I have to say that this year has been hard but, oh so freeing. Somethings have literally crushed me (skanks making my children Easter egg baskets comes to mind) but, I have finally set down that weight and am trying to make a new life for myself. One that I can be proud of, one that means something, not just making it through another day.

What was my point? Oh right...men...B, C, and P. I understand exactly what was up with B & C after time...B was a distraction for me during this time last year to get me through the holidays and then through the beginning of my separation. He was in fact an asshole and I was in fact obsessed with him. Bad timing as he had a girlfriend and I was an emotional wreck. C is a sociopath, I'm convinced. I've never had anyone shower me with that much attention before and be that intense that quick. I resisted for a bit but, then fell for it. Bad timing as his ex-wife cheated on him and the week we started dating she announced she was knocked up with that guy's baby. See he wanted to punish someone and that was me. I fell for it because I was unemployed and needy for attention. I always felt spastic around him and uncomfortable. Why, well because he was judging me the whole time. I thought it was just fear of how quickly things were moving and fear of commitment. I should have known it was going to end badly...he had those gay family stickers on the back of his car. He was a surfer guy and he was sporting a flip flop family on the back. Complete with Mommy Flip Flop. Clearly he was not ready to move on. Am I saying that in a different circumstance we would have gotten married and lived happily ever after? Probably not..I'm more interested in my reactions to these assholes. Why I allowed them to hurt me. Why I allow someone I barely know to hurt me.

Also because I just did it again. And it's about timing...P was a distraction and it came just as I finished my temp assignment. That had lasted for 2 months and I knew that when it was over I was going to struggle. Holidays looming over me. Broke. Without identity. Trapped in my house. Then oh my what a heady rush. Not only was he hot but, he was introducing me to a whole new world, sexually. I have this thing where I purposely avoid hot men. I also have this thing where I purposely avoid dominant men. I like to be in control, I like to be the hotter one in the relationship. Chances are I will do the hurting instead of the other way around. So everything about this man is against my comfort zone which in some ways is so fucking awesome and scary at the same time. I wanted to succumb to it all...in a short time I told him things no one knows about me, did things that I have never done and felt well...the hottest I have ever felt for someone in my life. Side note: I hate the word horny...I knew going in this was no boyfriend situation and that was also fine with me. I could keep dating and knew he was dating though I didn't have the first inclination to know about what he was doing. Jealousy. First bad sign. Jealousy=feelings. So here is a man that wants to:

1-carry out my wildest fantasy
2-is hot, hot, hot
3-is smart and has a job
4-knows a lot of my secrets and doesn't judge
5-seems to be a dedicated father

This is all I choose to see because of timing. Because I want a delicious man to distract me from my fucked up life. I want to fall completely into this and avoid everything. But, my timing is not his timing and we are not playing the same game. I could be all dramatic about how for the second time someone I have actually liked dropped me right after having sex for the first time. Or, I can figure this shit out and not do it again. My identity comes from my career which I do not have right now. I need to stay the fuck away from new men until I get a new job. The temptation to let it fill up my empty stupid life is too much. Because for a week I have been mad at myself for fucking this up...despondent to be so bored and without excitement. Super fucking depressed to have no job and nothing to do. Wondering how can I find someone that I can remotely trust to do the things we were doing (or had just started to do)...all super frustrating and pointless. What he did that night was fucked up and I did have a right to be mad. I did have the right to let him know but, again different game with different set of rules. I got my feelings hurt...and him? Who knows...I'm sure if I had said nothing that night we would still be talking and then more time would go by and I would get hurt even worse. So really it's a good thing. And really...I'm done talking about it because I understand it now. Except I will say it's not fair to give someone a sort of sexual awakening and then take it away without warning. Lucky for him I'm not a real psycho. If you will excuse me I have some erotic fiction to read...followed by some heavy fantasizing...followed by a long shower...

Drama...so what.

2009-11-21T08:32:00.000-05:00

A little background about me:

I am newly single. Yes I still consider it new even though it's been almost a year. When you've been with the same guy for 15 years, 11 months of being single is not very much.

My Ex is a dick...he got a girlfriend exactly 3 months after we separated and still has her. I don't care anymore about the fact that she's 13 years younger than him or a younger version of me. I care that she's been around my kids since oh about week 3 of them dating. He swears she's not there every night but, I don't believe him. I think her ghetto ass is living there...oh and she has a 4 year old daughter that lives 2 hours away that she doesn't have custody of. Hi, you are a waitress whore, go live by your daughter and stop trying to mother mine every other weekend.

My friends and family think I'm wild and out of control. I'm not...well maybe that one is true.

I don't want a boyfriend...most days.

I overuse the ellipsis to the distress of Gypsy.

I am unemployed, I was laid off in June.

I say fuck...a lot.

Anyway, there's more to know but, really you probably have shit to do today. I was talking to my sister last night on the phone and felt like for the first time in a really long time that she was acting like a big sister. You know giving advice and being supportive instead of lecturing me and being a bitch. We were laughing about our idiosyncrasies and how in our 30's we own them. And I was thinking about this while laying in bed. I've had a rough week...actually a rough six months...actually a rough year. So one thing I know I am is dramatic. Sometimes I don't control my emotions and I'm lead by them. I also then tend to spout it out to the Internet. Which can be comical or not, I'm not always so sure. When this happens I always feel slightly embarrassed later like, I am a grown up why can't I act like one? But, I'm sick of that...the fact that I feel everything a little more intensely makes me, me. I don't need to apologize for not being boring.

What I do have to do however is learn how to reign it in when it comes to men. It's happened 3 times now. I've dated plenty and met plenty of guys to know it's going to be hard for me. Not that I think I'm ultra special and it's easy for anyone single to meet people. It's just I don't really like most people in general much less one I want to open my heart to. I know I'm damaged and haven't really put any serious effort into it. I'm dating because I don't want to get into the habit of not dating and then before you know it it's been 5 years and I've developed a phobia. So 3 times I've met someone that I actually liked and 3 times I've been kind of crushed. Some worse than others...C comes to mind with his whirlwind attention, sending me the sweetest texts and making plans to take me home to Hawaii...then sleeping with me and immediately dumping me because I gave up the sex too quickly. Yes, it's my fault you hate women. His parting words to me? "You were just an easy lay with no substance." I have tons of substance, dick. But, I fall too quickly because I never find anyone I like and also because I'm a dating idiot. I've essentially never done it. I didn't date in high school really...choosing to well run around and flirt and not be told what to do. So I'm probably going to continue to fuck it up a lot...getting overly excited about a hot used to be band geek turned dominant or breaking up with that sweet guy over email (he's really mad at me, don't blame him). You are welcome to watch the train wreck that is my life...gonna have lots of material I think.

Time to renew...

2009-11-20T13:59:00.000-05:00

Back in 2006 I started blogging over there. I began blogging because I needed an outlet. My life sucked and I enjoyed reading blogs so much that I wanted to join. I loved the idea of writing something and getting people to comment (hi I'm a narcissist). I loved reading about people's lives and becoming almost a part of what was going on with them (hi I'm a voyeur). I have found friends, support and a whole lot of fun in the Internet. I have visited a stranger in Denver and had a stranger visit me from California. Some people think this is absolutely nutty and some people get it.

I went private a while ago so that I could freely write about my separation. My ex started being really nosy and searching my name and stalking me on other people's blogs. I did not get a new user name because I figure if he wants to stalk me fine...he's probably not going to like what he sees and maybe he'll go away. Plus, he can't afford the Internet so I feel like it's fine, haha.

Over the last few months I've written less and less and I think I finally figured it out. This identity was an escape. An escape that not a lot of people knew about. I thought they would make fun of me or think it was weird. My husband of course didn't know. I felt with the anonymity of it I could be myself, completely. The good, the bad, all of it. When we separated I didn't feel the need to escape so much. I didn't have to hide who I was, I could do and be exactly what I wanted. But, I miss it. I miss writing. My ultimate dream is to be a writer and I get constant encouragement from friends to just do it already. But, I'm scared. So maybe I can start here and get back into the swing of writing more than 140 characters at a time.

The new blog title comes from a Stephen King quote, my favorite author.