Could my love life be more dramatic? Seriously, I'm not even supposed to HAVE a love life. I'm supposed to be all light and free and finding myself and shit. Yes I know it's been over a year since the separation but, can a girl really figure shit out in 15 months after being in a 15 year relationship? I don't really think so. But, (and I know I'm not supposed to start a sentence with "but" this is my blog so shut up) I do think this is part of the learning process. Having not really dated at all before I met my ex at 17 makes for some pretty hilarious stories. I should post some from my old blog, jaysus. So that's why I'm cautious to say out loud that I love MC. Do I know what love is? I was with someone for 15 years people that I pretty much couldn't stand. I know I loved him on some level but, clearly my definition of love is fucked up. Cause that shit was dysfunctional as hell. He treated me like trash...anyway, not another bitter post about that. Do I really love MC or am I just reacting to the panic he invokes because I know he is leaving. It's kind of hard to say. The last few weeks I've been getting more and more irritated with myself. My friends are sick and goddamn tired of hearing me obsessively talk about him. I hear myself sounding like a wackjob analyzing his every move, playing game after game of not texting him back for so many minutes, Ignoring him when we go out in a group, even making fun of him in a mean way in front of his friends. I'm sick of being some weak "give me attention whenever you feel like it and I'll be here" girl. And guess what, turns out everyone was right. Guys eat that shit up like candy. I wasn't really doing it on purpose...I didn't really think he had any kind of real feelings for me, I was doing it for me because like I said, sick of feeling like I had no control. I loathe the game playing but, seems it's a necessary evil since men are emotionally stupid.
So last week after two days of him acting like a complete cold and distant weirdo one minute and all up my shit the next I decided, I'm done. I called him out on his behavior several times and he wouldn't say what was wrong. I just assumed he was sick of me or he had found a new girl. As much as both of those thoughts made me want to puke, I had to know so I tried one more time to get him to talk and he did. Instead of getting the "let's just be friends" talk, he told me how he has feelings for me and the fact that he's moving plus this attachment is freaking him out. Hello, welcome to the game dumbass. Also, he thought I wasn't into him as much lately and that it bothers him how much I've been going out with my new friends and how easy it will be for me to find a replacement. Oh, how I loved hearing these words. Seems the only way to illicit an emotional response is jealousy. Still, hilarious that I was pulling away and he was pulling away for the same reason but, both feel the opposite. Monday night he actually said no to sex, which has never happened...one I had to ask and two he said no. I was super hurt and pissed off...we were laying there falling asleep and I could have sworn I heard him whisper, I love you. But, I thought I was just being a crazy person...now I'm not so sure...
The twist...I now want to see him even more than before...like my heart hurts. He is not so sure that's a good idea even though he wants to see me. Like I've already been through, do we continue to get closer or break it off now. He will probably be here through the end of April now due to spraining his ankle and missing some work. We are going to talk face to face Sunday and I'm nervous. It would so be my luck for us to be on the same page but, him want to end things so there are no messy complications. Deep down, I don't really think he's going to do that. He's pretty mature when it comes to breaking down things when we have a disagreement or I'm acting like a nutty female but, deep down he's a romantic. I mean he's an artist and his favorite band is the White Strips...every single song is about love, hello. I just feel like this is some stupid movie where we get 3-4 weeks to enjoy each other fully before it's taken away forever and then he'll be that guy that I always wonder about. It really doesn't help that a friend of mine that was supposed to move at the end of this month is now staying because he met someone 3 weeks ago and now is "in a relationship" on facebook. Sigh...
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3 comments:
You and I are SO alike. And i'll be honest w/ you (if you want me to be).
All my previous relationships from before I got married were so similar to yours w/ MC. Similar in the whole "I give everything, and am getting back next to nothing in return" kind of way. Or feeling like I was way more into the relationship than they ever were.
I'm the same way now with a few of my friendships. And I'm terrified to let go, still, to this day, even after knowing what I know about it all.
I think it's bc i'm afraid to be alone. I know I can be, but I don't want to be. So I always went from relationship to relationship without giving myself time in between. And it's never been good.
it sucks, feeling like you care more than the other person in your relationship does. But with men, bc they are so emotionally blunted, when they act like they are not really caring, it usually means they don't.
You didn't ask for advice, but I'll give mine anyways. ;)
Either enjoy the next 3 weeks; the sex, the company, etc, or tell him you can't take the games when you know how it's going to end anyways, and cut it off now.
Hang in there.
I need to hear how Sunday went.
Speaking on behalf of my gender: Not ALL guys eat that shit up.
It never really was my thing, but especially not now. I'm not sure if it's because of age or divorce. Maybe both. :-)
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