30/60/90

Here's what I'm deciding. MC and I are supposed to get together tomorrow night. I feel like there is a 75% chance that he's going to bail. He's a twitchy mother fucker. We haven't seen each other in 3 weeks but, we have been texting some. Stupid goddamn game of back and forth. Very friendly and all chit chatty about nothing and then sometimes familiar and intimate. I'm not sure what he wants or even what I want. I know what I should do and I know how I should act but, I don't seem to be capable. I know I'm not going to get over him this way and a part of me is hoping after tomorrow I'll feel better. If I see him and we spend time together and it feels the same or it doesn't and I will just have to accept that. Or he won't come at all and I will move on. So I've decided to make a pact with myself. No men at all for a while. Hey sounds familiar right? Well this will be no men, no sex. I have kept my free time filled with well, fillers. Keeping 3, 4, 5 men in rotation at a time so I always have something to do...and so I don't have the chance to get close to anyone. Because I know I'm still not ready or maybe I am so I latch onto people that are moving for example. Maybe I really do like him so much because there is zero chance we can have a relationship. Who the hell knows. I also seem to be in my sexual prime which is annoying as shit. I think I have too much testosterone or something. Some days I can't think of anything else and it's super distracting. It's been 3 weeks and I've turned down random sex no less than 6 times. I know it won't make me feel better though it's super tempting. Well, it's actually not that tempting at all. I only want one person...still. I thought by now I'd be laughing at myself for acting like a complete 13 year old. Not so much. So we will see...tomorrow starts 60 or 90 days of no penis or 60 days of happiness until he moves. Probably should do 90 days "sober" since it's already been 21 days. Also, Valentine's Day can go fuck itself.